“Because I don’t deserve it,” I whisper.
I’ll never deserve this man in front of me. I’ve dreamed about our one and only kiss so many nights, praying someday my lips would have the pleasure of knowing his again.
Of being his.
The thought brings on so much guilt and shame it’s nearly suffocating.
He looks deep into my eyes; searching the parts of me only he can see.
“Mama?”
Caroline’s voice breaks our heated stare as Linc spins in place. “Sweet Caroline,” he breathes, setting his bottle down on the counter and rushing over to her. He hasn’t seen her in over a year but time stands still in my kitchen as she reaches her arms up to him, a look of pure joy radiating from her face.
“Linc!” He kneels in front of her, wrapping my baby in his strong arms. A small sob forces its way out of my mouth even though I do everything I can to hold it back.
“God, I’ve missed you,” he says, my heart aching at the softness in his voice.
“I’ve missed you, too,” she says into his neck.
“You’ve grown a foot taller since the last time I saw you.” Caroline pulls away, still beaming.
I haven’t seen her smile like that since…
“I’ve actually grown a foot and a quarter,” she states proudly. “Why haven’t you been to see us?” She frowns.
Linc tenses as he looks over his shoulder at me then back at her. “Your Mama needed some time for just you and her. But I’m back now. And I’m not goin’ anywhere this time, sweetheart.”
Caroline’s smile is so bright and so big; I have a hard time containing my own. After another hug, he stands up. “I gotta get back to work, but we’ll catch up soon, okay?”
“Okay,” she replies.
Linc doesn’t even spare me a second glance before he walks out the back door.
“Mama, are you okay?” Caroline asks, taking my hand in hers. I stare out the window, watching him brace his hands on the side of the truck, his head hanging between his rigid shoulders. The sight of him hurting is a familiar one. This is what we’ve become.
Pain and heartache.
Longing and need.
“Yes, baby, I’m fine.”
I hate lying to her but what am I supposed to say? The only man I’ve ever loved with all of my heart is here to stay, and I’m not sure how to feel about that. Right now, I want to run into his arms and forget the past seven years ever even happened, but when I look down at my daughter, the real love of my life, I know that will never be possible. No matter how bad the last few years have been, I can’t regret a single day of my life with Dean, because without him, I wouldn’t have her.
Present
The rain had set in following our intense moment in the kitchen, preventing Linc’s return to work on the house the following day. I’m grateful. It gives me the chance to regain control over my emotions. Which are all over the place right now. The way they’ve always been when it comes to him.
As I pour myself a cup of coffee, I hear the crunch of gravel on my driveway. He’d sent a text message last night saying he would be back today, weather permitting, and the early morning sun shining down on his pickup tells me the rain has finally taken leave.
Coffee in hand, I make my way out onto the back porch.
“Mornin’, Syl,” he greets, retrieving his tool belt from the cab of his truck and buckling it around his waist. I try hard not to admire the way the worn leather hangs from his hips, but it’s awfully hard.
I take a tentative sip from my mug. “Where’s your helper?”
He reaches inside his truck and grabs a mesh hat from the dash that hasDawson’swritten across the front, pulling it down low on his brow.
“It’s his day off.” He grins. “Don’t worry, I brought water today.”
