It is without fear that I accept this fate.
For I will find my way someday.
I slam the notebook shut when tears begin to sting my eyes. I’ve written hundreds of passages and poems. Some are shallow and don’t even begin to scratch the surface of the turmoil I am fighting inside. But some…some of those words bare all of me. Words that strip away all of the armor and resentment and anger.
Those are the ones that scare me the most.
The ones that harbor the most truth.
I glance up to see Rachel heading my way so I quickly tuck my small notebook inside the side pocket of Caroline’s diaper bag. Her long brown hair is pulled back in a smooth ponytail. Wearing stylish jeans, a cute blue top, and a smile that lights up her entire face, she leans down to give me a hug then she reaches for Caroline.
“Ray Ray!” Caroline squeals with pure joy as Rachel scoops her up.
“Well, hello there, sweet girl.” Peppering her chubby cheeks with kisses, Caroline giggles. “I’ve missed you.”
When she’s finished giving her all thelovin’s,as she likes to call it, she sets her back down on the blanket and we both take a seat on either side of her. I begin unpacking Caroline’s snacks and refilling her sippy cup.
“So how’s the new place?” I ask, anxious to hear all about the good things happening in her life. We speak on the phone a few times a week but it is hard to find the time to catch up face-to-face.
She sighs. “I’m so damn tired. We finally got everything unpacked but it’s funny, now that we live together, we hardly see each other. I work all the time and go to school and he’s been pulling double shifts at work. It’s been stressful but we’re trying to find time for each other. Even if it is in the middle of the night,” she finishes with a wink.
It’s amazing to me, after all of this time, how much in love they still are with one another. I’m envious of her sometimes, not only of her freedom but because she gets to be with the man she truly loves.
“How’ve you been? I bet this little munchkin is keepin’ ya busy,” she says, giving Caroline a belly tickle.
“Lord yes, she’s into everything.”
We both laugh.
“She definitely keeps me on my toes,” I say. “The other day I found her coloring on her bedroom wall. Thank goodness for magic erasers.”
“How are things going between you and Dean?”
I’ve confided in Rachel some, but she doesn’t know everything. She knows Dean hates Linc but I haven’t told anyone about his terrible mood swings.
He says it is stress. He does work a lot. There are days when I won’t see him at all except when he climbs in bed at night and even there, the connection between us is strained. But I keep telling myself that is normal. It’s hard to balance family and work and still make time for each other.
“We’re doing our best to make it work.”
Her brows bunch together as she studies me carefully while Caroline jumps and climbs all over her lap. “Are you happy?”
“Most days.”
Caroline brings so much joy to my life and she makes the lonely days and nights bearable, but sometimes I find myself wondering what could have been. I feel ashamed for even thinking it because I wouldn’t trade my daughter for anything in the world, but there are moments I ask myself if this is where I am meant to be.
“Have you talked to Dean about going to Nashville with us? Linc talked to Will last night and he’s so excited for us to come. This show is a big deal. It sold out in less than an hour.”
I shake my head, agony squeezing my heart. “No, not yet.”
“Sylvie, it’s two weeks away. You need to talk to him.”
“I will,” I lie again.
There’s no way Dean will let me go even though I desperately want to.
“You better. It won’t be the same without you, and Linc will be heartbroken.”
That will make two of us.
