Dear Sylvie,
The first time I laid eyes on you, I knew you were the only “good” I was ever going to get out of life. I was also fully aware that making you mine meant stealing your happiness. A better man would have walked away, but I was never that kind of man. I’m selfish. I always have been. I’ll never forgive myself for all the pain I put you through. The things I’ve done. The things I’ve said.
You deserved better than I could ever give.
I tried so hard to be what you needed but every day that monster inside of my head pulled me further and further into the darkness. My mind has always been warped and twisted but it has reached a point where I can no longer—no—where I cannot wait any longer. I refuse to wait for the final twist where it snaps all together.
I’ve lived on this earth for twenty-seven years and there is not one day I would want to relive except for two. The day I married you and the day our daughter was born. Those two days were worth every day I fought for my sanity. But even those moments of pure happiness do not silence the monster, and I have come to realize, nothing ever will.
Death is my only salvation, and I accept my fate willingly if it means setting us both free.
I wish you nothing but happiness, even though it requires my absence in order to find it.
Please tell Caroline that I love her more than I ever loved myself and that every time the sun kisses her face, that’s me, watching over her.
Dean
My hand trembles as I lower the note and fall to my knees on the cold concrete floor. I sob into my hands, relieved to know that he’s finally at peace. That even though he chose death as his escape, it gives me comfort knowing that he’s no longer suffering or in pain.
Once I pull myself together, I fill the small wooden box with the note and the things I want Caroline to have of her father’s and put it in my chifforobe. I will share this with her when she is old enough to understand. Until then, I will hold them close and never forget the man who loved me with everything he had.
It may not have been the kind of love I needed but it was the kind of love that changed me forever.
That kind of love never dies.
Life can be full of sorrow and grief but there can also be sunshine after the storm. There can be joy and happiness and light. But in order to fully appreciate that light, we have to walk through the darkness.
We have to hold hands with pain and dance out in the rain.
It’s the only way our heart can comprehend what love truly is.
Present
Linc’s body moves with mine, a soft melody of love and desire. The notes strung together in a rhythm of time, creating a sound that echoes within the confines of this room and our hearts. A love like ours doesn’t exist in books or movies or the pages of some glossy magazine.
It exists right here.
In the breaths exchanged between us.
His body is slick with sweat. Shifting his legs to spread mine wider, pushing himself deeper. The weight of him on top of me paired with the stark need in his eyes is a reflection of my own soul.
Unfortunately, Linc’s flight home had gotten canceled so he had to take a red-eye and he didn’t crawl into our bed until three a.m. and let’s just say that I didn’t waste any time welcoming him home.
“This,” Linc whispers, his trembling lips hovering above mine. “Nothing compares to this. Nothing. Only with you, I am home.”
His forehead presses to mine as he surges forward once more, claiming his release. I explode around him, my body fading into his as my mind drifts away on a collective cloud of bliss.
“Tastes like home, smells like home.” He pushes inside of me once more, driving home his point. “Feels like home.” His mouth moves to my neck, the whiskers on his face tickle my skin, causing me to laugh.
“I’m so glad you’re back.”
“Me too.”
“Because there’s—there’s something I need to tell you,” I say between breaths and his endless kisses.
Linc freezes and his eyes find mine. I gaze up at him, wondering if he can see it in my eyes. The dim bed lamp offers enough light to see the right side of his face and if that smile is any indication, he’s figured it out.
Pushing up, he looks down at my belly, then back up at me. “Really?”
