Present
He pried himself from the bed around five this morning, just as the sun was beginning its ascent. With a heavy heart, I walked him out to his truck where we spent a good amount of time kissing one another good-bye, struggling to let go. He promised to return around three this afternoon so we could spend our final few hours together before he leaves.
Caroline and I spend the majority of our day in the kitchen. She wanted to bake him a going away cake, and I needed to keep myself busy so I wouldn’t think about him leaving.
I help Caroline pan the mix and set the timer before we walk out back to pick out some flowers to decorate the dinner table with. Shears in hand, I snip a yellow Gerbera daisy while Caroline patiently holds the large Mason jar firmly in her hands.
“Mama, can I ask you something?”
“Sure, you can ask me anything.”
“Why was Daddy so sad? Didn’t we make him happy?”
I pause, hesitating to go this far with her. She’s just a child, how much of this can she really comprehend and will it do more harm than good?
“Of course we made him happy, but sometimes, when he was sad, it didn’t have anything to do with the people around him, it was just something he couldn’t control. And sometimes, that sadness would drown the happy. Does that make sense?”
She shrugs. “Kinda.”
I try to think of the best way to explain it without scaring her and helping her better understand him.
“Pretend you’re flying a kite, it’s a clear, beautiful day and you have just enough wind to make it soar. Everything is going great. You think the day couldn’t be any better when suddenly there’s a crack of thunder and the sky turns dark. You checked the weather to make sure there wouldn’t be a cloud in sight but now dark clouds are all you see. Then the winds pick up, knocking your kite back and forth, threatening to ruin your perfect day. Then the rain sets in, sending your kite crashing to the ground. How would that make you feel?”
“Sad.”
“Was it anyone’s fault?”
“No,” she says, tilting her head. “You can’t control Mother Nature.”
“Exactly.”
Realization soothes her troubled face and she nods in understanding before wrapping her arms around me. “Do you think he’s still sad?”
“No, I think he’s finally kissed the sun.”
She draws back, giving me a big smile. “That makes me very happy, Mama.”
“Me too, sweet girl.”
I slip the jar from her hands, and set it on the ground, cupping her cheeks. “Listen, I want you to know that your father loved you very much. Never forget that, okay? He wouldn’t want you to be sad. He would want you to be happy. For him. Can you do that for me?”
She nods, and I kiss her head.
“Come on, let’s go check on that cake.”
We gather the jar of flowers and walk back inside hand in hand; my heart lighter than it has ever been before.
“Of all the times I’ve had to leave, I think this one will be the hardest.” Linc’s voice is deep and gravely, raking over my heart in the most painful way. His mouth meets the skin of my neck, a greeting I’ve grown accustomed to, but today I don’t like the worry it brings. He’s just returned from spending the day with his mother. He’d wanted her to come for dinner but she was more tired than usual, having completed a chemo treatment yesterday.
Tension rolls beneath my fingers as I place my hands on his shoulders. “We’ll be fine,” I assure him, even though I’m silently dying inside.
I need to be strong for him. Be there for him like he has been for me.
“I know. I just…you’ve spent your whole life taking care of everyone else. I just want to take care of you. It’s all I want to do. I wish I didn’t have to go.”
“You do take care of me. I wouldn’t be where I am right now if it weren’t for you.”
Tucking a stray hair behind my ear, he leans down to drop a kiss to my forehead then my lips. “I’m so proud of you.” His palm caresses my face and I turn my mouth in to place a kiss there. “I’ll call every night,” he promises.
