Caroline’s crying puts my feet in motion as I turn away and bound up the back porch. Entering her room, I nearly fall to my knees, the pain of it all almost too much to bear. As I scoop her up, I hold her close, clutching to her for dear life as she cries.
But I hold it together for my baby girl. I don’t want her to see her mama upset so I carry her to the kitchen, placing her in her booster seat at the table for her afternoon snack.
After I have given her a few crackers and her sippy cup, shouting begins, but their voices are garbled and muffled by my own despair. I’m standing in front of the sink, trying to pull myself together, when Dean walks through the back door. His fingers curl around my arm as he hauls me into the living room. “I don’t ever want to see him near you ever again. You understand me?”
“Dean, calm down.”
The monster is back and he’s more vicious than ever.
He pulls me close, rubbing his nose up and down my cheek. “Jesus, you fucking smell likehim,” he says, giving me a hard shake. His fingers are cruel vices against my skin while his entire body vibrates with anger.
“Look at me,” he orders, the cold sound of his voice freezing my blood.
Slowly, I lift my eyes to his. Pain and anguish darken his brown irises, turning them almost black. Leaning in, he draws in a deep breath, hovering near my chest and neck, nostrils flaring with disgust. “Do you know what it feels like to smell another man’s scent on my wife?”
I remain silent, my heart racing with anxiety. I don’t even have enough spit to swallow when he whispers, “Violent.”
“Dean, please, let me—”
“I don’t want to hear your excuses,” he barks, making me jump. “I know how wet you get for him. You think I don’t know you but I do. I know everything about you.” Panic blooms in my chest when he nuzzles my neck. I want to shove him away. Being this close, while he’s this angry, this unhinged, terrifies me.
“You dream about him, call out his name in your sleep.”
Oh God!
Sharp air vibrates through my lips on a gasp of shock. My subconscious has betrayed me. Shame stains my cheeks and my heart sinks. I hold his eyes, trying to hide what I feel inside, but Dean knows.
He can see it.
“I—”
“Why can’t I be enough? Why can’t you look at me like you look at him? Don’t you understand how much I love you? How much I need you.”
His words level me; bring me down to a place I’ve never known before. Where the light fades and darkness reigns, and I wonder if I will ever find the courage to walk away. I might be his cure but he is my disease. He thinks I can save him, but he is killing me.
