Past
When you’re in love, you don’t care about anything except holding on to the feeling. You can’t see their flaws. You can’t see the hard ground beneath you or how bad it’s going to hurt when you finally do land. That’s how it is with Dean. That’s how it always is with him.
Like flying.
But what goes up…must come down.
Over the next three years, I slip into my role as mother and wife. I stay home and take care of Caroline while Dean continues to work for Greasystix. He also does side jobs for extra money. He loves to work on motors, engines, anything you can take apart and put back together. He’s good at it, too. Working for himself also gives him more confidence, something I’ve learned Dean has very little of. Which makes it hard for us to find a balance in our relationship. We are constantly up and down. His temper flares at the mention of Linc, and I resent him for forcing me to pull away.
I never told Linc what Dean said the day Caroline was born. I just pretend everything is okay. Linc is always busy so it’s really hard to talk to him sometimes. Not only does he have a day job, where he works ten to twelve hour shifts, but he also spends every chance he can playing his heart out, trying to pave his way.
At first I felt guilty for going behind my husband’s back, but now I don’t. Linc was there before Dean ever came into the picture, and I told Dean early in our relationship that I would never give him up.
I meant it.
Caroline occupies most of my time so I’m not able to dwell on Linc not being here too much, but I still feel the void. Like a gaping hole in the center of my chest.
Once Dean leaves for work, Caroline and I eat our breakfast. Then I pack us a lunch and load up the car to head to the park.
Rachel is meeting us there today. I am excited to see her. We don’t get to spend a lot of time together these days because she is always so busy. She works as a receptionist for her father’s landscaping company and she is also going to community college to study business. She and Will finally found a place together. The two of them are planning on getting married next spring, but babies are a long ways off, she always says. I think that has a lot to do with me. She’s heard enough about my struggles to know having a baby so young will halt any of her future plans.
Because, unlike me, she’s always known exactly what she wants to do with her life.
I find our usual spot, a picnic table near the swings. Once I have everything settled, I unfasten Caroline from her stroller and put her in the toddler swing.
She swats the front of the seat with excitement, eager for me to push her. “Sing, Mama. Sing!” she squeals and I smile.
Giving her a gentle push, she gasps with delight as her tiny fists cling to the chains. “Is that fun?”
“Pun!” she replies with a giggle.
We spend the next couple of hours playing before I settle Caroline on a blanket with her toys. Then I take out my notebook and begin to write.
I have no idea what possessed me to start a journal. But I’m so glad I did. I find solace here. A place to fly, because there are days I feel like I’m trapped in a cage, clipped wings with no song to sing.
Desolate are the skies so gray.
They only turn blue when I see your face.
Every hour of every day I think of your kiss.
And all the ones I’ll forever miss.
It is without fear that I accept this fate.
For I will find my way someday.
I slam the notebook shut when tears begin to sting my eyes. I’ve written hundreds of passages and poems. Some are shallow and don’t even begin to scratch the surface of the turmoil I am fighting inside. But some…some of those words bare all of me. Words that strip away all of the armor and resentment and anger.
Those are the ones that scare me the most.
The ones that harbor the most truth.
I glance up to see Rachel heading my way so I quickly tuck my small notebook inside the side pocket of Caroline’s diaper bag. Her long brown hair is pulled back in a smooth ponytail. Wearing stylish jeans, a cute blue top, and a smile that lights up her entire face, she leans down to give me a hug then she reaches for Caroline.
“Ray Ray!” Caroline squeals with pure joy as Rachel scoops her up.
“Well, hello there, sweet girl.” Peppering her chubby cheeks with kisses, Caroline giggles. “I’ve missed you.”
