But I'm not, and I don't know how to explain it to him. I don't know what I'm doing. I can't do this. And if we keep going, he’s going to find that out real fast. What happens next? Will he expect me to know things? Will I have to humiliate myself by telling him I don’t? And not just… sex… (although obviously sex), but dating, boyfriends,anything. Suddenly it’s all so much. It’stoomuch, and I don’t know how anyone does this. I couldn’t even tell if this was a date.
I like Dash. IwantDash. In all the ways you can want someone, I think. But how can I ever be enough for someone like him? He’s confident. He’s self-assured. And I’m… me.
What did I think, I’d read a few books and then just magically be smooth, cool,nota socially awkward mess? I’ve been kidding myself. For a week, I’ve been showing up and watching practice with him and pretending I could even… Suddenly, I can’t quite seem to get enough air. I feel physically ill.
“Hey,” says Dash. He reaches out and rubs his hand along my arm. “Hey, what’s wrong? Do you want to talk about it?”
Someone catcalls across the quad. “Get a room!”
“No!” I snatch my arm back. “I gotta go.”
And then I run out of there before he can say anything else.
CHAPTER 10
DASH
Back in my room,I go over it again.
What just happened?
I came on too strong; that has to be it. Except, did I?
Caleb kissedme.
Okay, no, Caleb more or less head-butted me, and then I kissed him.
I go back over the week. I came into his space. I invited him out. I, basically, kissed him.
Did I misread everything?
I mean, I thought he was shy. No. Heisshy.
But that doesn’t mean he wants my tongue in his mouth.
On the other hand, he put his tongue in my mouth. Which feels like it means something.
Except then he ran away.
I fall back against my pillows and groan.
Gavin chooses that moment to walk into the room. He glances over at me.
“More calculus?”
“I wish.”
He stops and looks at me more carefully. “Do you… want to talk about it?”
Actually? I kind of do.
But would he? Want to talk to me if he knew what I was upset about? Do I really want to test the limits of Gavin’s ally-ship a week after meeting him?
Well. If I’m going to live with him for an entire year, then yes, yes I do.
“It’s a guy. That guy I watch hockey practice with? So”—I look up at him carefully—”we kissed, but then…”
I watch him for signs of discomfort and, shit, therearesome. He looks… sweaty.
