“You remembered, didn’t you. The first time we…”
I nod, feeling the pain from that movement in the depths of my soul. I don’t want to hurt Reed. I’ve never wanted to hurt anyone in all of this, but I don’t want to lie to him anymore either. He deserves so much more than that.
“I should have told you, right then and there. I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking when I ran off.”
“Because you love him,” he states. “You’ve always loved him.”
My face pinches in anguish. “But, Reed, I want to still be friends,” I say, reaching for his hand. But he grips mine and sets it back in my lap.
“Don’t you get it, Teddy? Ican’tjust be your friend. I told you that. I don’t knowhow.”
As much as it hurts to hear, Idoget it. Because I can’t just be friends with Miles. I wouldn’t know how.
I think back on all the moments Reed and I shared this summer… the boat, the CD, LaBeau’s. Whether he realized it or not, he was trying to get me to remember him just as much as everyone else in my life.
“If you can’t be friends with me, Reed, please be friends with Miles. The more people helping him in his life right now, the better. He needs you.”
He nods. “He’s a good guy, Teddy.”
Fresh tears prick my vision.
“You know he came to see me at the restaurant at the start of summer?”
A memory of running into Miles flashes in my mind.
“He came to apologize. He told me he wants you to be happy, whether or not it’s with him. That if there was one person in this world he trusted to take care of you, it was me.” His voice cracks on the last word. “I’ve treated him like shit all summer after that apology, because I was still so mad at him for—” He stops himself. “All I did was drive you both away.”
He collapses his head in his lap, and I can’t let him hurt alone anymore. I wrap my arms around his shoulders, and he leans his head against my legs as he cries silent tears. We stay that way for a long time, knowing that when we let go, it’s goodbye. I don’t know how I ever forgot Reed. Now I’ll know what it’s like to never forget him again.
That sketch that I’ve looked at at least a hundred times this summer finally makes sense. It was inevitable that I’d have to choose one of them. But even after giving my heart to Miles, there will always be a part of it that belongs to Reed Morgan.
The doctor monitored Shepard until his blood sugar levels stabilized for twenty-four hours, then sent him home. My dad had to carry me out of the waiting room after I fell asleep on one of the benches, and I woke up in my own bed feeling empty.
“Are you doing okay, Teddy Bear?” my dad asks as both my parents climb in on either side of me. They drape their arms around me like a support blanket, holding me up both physically and emotionally.
If they would have asked me that question any time in the last year, I would have said yes. Even when I wasn’t.
I used to tell them everything, take their advice when they offered it, and follow their example as they set it. But along the way I stopped trusting them altogether. I think I tried to be strong for them, hoping ifIwas their bedrock, they would finally believe I was okay. I was never as good at it as I thought I was, or they wouldn’t have spent all summer asking that same question. I’ve been pretending to have it together for so long now that I’ve forgotten how to need them. It’s grown too heavy, and I can’t carry the weight of it anymore. I feel tears prick the corners of my eyes, but I don’t let them fall. Not yet.
“At the beginning of the summer, I believed it would take leaving this place, leaving you, to find myself again. I believed I would spend a lifetime disappointing you if I didn’t.”
“Oh, Theadora. We are more proud of you than we’ve ever been. We’ve watched you work to heal from a very difficult thing, and we can’t imagine what that has been like for you. It’s a lot. We didn’t care if you never remembered sweetheart; we just want you to be happy.That’sthe part of you we’ve been missing and were fighting to get back. I’m sorry we’ve made you feel this way all this time.”
For the first time since the accident, I feel seen by the two people who love me the most. My happinessiswhat I’ve been missing, and I think I found it.
I have to talk to Miles.
I monitor the trailer until a rust-colored truck I don’t recognize rumbles down the driveway and into the usual parking tracks. A disgruntled Shepard rides in the passenger seat and an all salt, no pepper version of him drives the old two-toned Ford Ranger. They share the same long sloping nose, but this other man sports a jovial expression to go with it.
Shep spots me before I can retreat into the bunkhouse. I’ve been longing to climb into those sheets in hopes they still smell like Miles.
“Coming to check on me again?” Shep calls through a rolled-down window.
“Oh, hey, Shep. Not exactly,” I blurt without thinking.
He pushes open the door and meanders out onto the grass. “Finally! Someone not worried about me for a change.
“No, I am,” I backtrack. “I hope you’re feeling better?”
