Naomi winced, embarrassed. “It’s easier. I’m not trying to be fake. The smiling comes easier for me.”
“I know, and I didn’t say that to make you feel bad.”
“I…carry a lot of guilt sometimes. When I’m not happy, I feel guilty,” she explained.
“Why?” I asked, curious and concerned. Looking at Naomi struggling to find the words felt like looking in a mirror. I knew that struggle intimately. She was trying to escape who she truly was underneath.
“Is it because you don’t think you deserve to be upset?” I guessed.
She shook her head. “I don’t know. Maybe? It’s more like, I don’t think I can handle it. The anger and frustration and rage. Finn, I’ve pushed it away for so long, it doesn’t feel right. Or even earned.”
I tilted my head, thinking. “You believe emotions need to be earned?”
Naomi nodded, looking down at her hands. “Yes, in a way. Nothing’s happened lately for me to be upset. Everything’s been good.”
“You can be angry about things that happened forever ago. There isn’t an expiration date on how you feel. Even on the most perfect days, you’re allowed to be upset.”
Naomi’s jaw clenched. I wrapped my hands around hers and brought them to my lips. She watched as I kissed her fingers.
“Can I take you somewhere? A place I went after my accident when I wanted to let off steam?”
She nodded, looking eager. “Yeah. I’d like that.”
“You’ll have to keep it a secret,” I teased.
The corners of her eyes wrinkled when she smiled this time. “Of course. It’s safe with me.”
Chapter Thirty
Naomi
Anxietyhivesformedalongmy arms and across my chest. I slipped on a long sleeve shirt to cover everything before following Finn to the van. My body felt like it was in danger of being swallowed by guilt. Not just because of Mom, but because I was dragging Finn down with me.
I couldn’t help glancing in his direction every few minutes. I searched for any sign of annoyance. There was none. His brow was unbothered, and his shoulders remained relaxed as he drove us down a road that led outside of town. The muffled hum of the radio made the van feel isolated. Like we were the only two people left at the end of the world. I leaned back in my seat to stare at the overcast sky. I wasn’t used to giving in to moodiness but seemed prone to it today. Instead of thinking of what to say, I leaned my head against the headrest and let the silence settle between us.
It’s scary how easily something as simple as an email flipped a switch in me. As soon as I saw my mother’s old address, I felt a dead weight on my chest. The email reminded me of how I once was—and probably still am—in the running for the world’s most horrible daughter.
I hated this feeling. It was cold, dark, and too similar to the life Mom chose to lead. The warmth of happiness felt safer and more stable. I wanted to fight my way back to it but didn’t have any energy left.
We drove for an hour. I was dozing off when Finn pulled onto an unpaved road. Rocks crunched underneath the tire, making the van gently rock. There was a brightly painted welcome sign shoved into the grass that read, Windmill Camp.
“My uncle owns the place,” Finn explained when I sat up straight to get a better look at the rows and rows of cabins. They weren’t big but looked well maintained, with rocking chairs on the porches and flower pots hanging from the windowsills.
“During the summer, it’s a camp for kids who are interested in playing college sports,” he said as the van slowed to a crawl. “And during the off seasons, he tries to rent out the empty cabins. Not many people come because, besides the college, Tinsel doesn’t have much tourist appeal.”
I unbuckled my seatbelt. “What are we doing here? Saying hi?”
Finn shook his head. “No, you don’t want to say ‘hi’ to my uncle. He doesn’t enjoy company.”
“Not the friendly type, huh?” I teased, earning myself an amused grin.
“Maybe it runs in the family.” Finn opened his door, and I followed his lead. We’d parked right outside the only cabin with lights on inside. I waited as Finn sent a text.
“If we’re not making small talk, then why are we here?” I asked once he shoved his phone back into his pocket.
Finn held out his hand for me to take. I raised a brow but grabbed hold.
“I need you to have an open mind and trust me, okay?”
