“How…how do you know this?”
Sam rubbed his eye in frustration. “Stoll helped me out my first year here.”
I raised a brow when Sam hesitated.
“I…got into some trouble. Didn’t tell you guys because I was supposed to be better, you know? A leader. The captain.”
The embarrassment in his tone was unmistakable. I nodded for him to continue. He looked grateful I didn’t push him to tell me how he fucked up.
“He not only got me on the right path, but he also found me more scholarship money out of thin air…or what I thought to be thin air at the time.”
“Stoll was trying to win you over,” I figured.
“Yeah.” Sam nodded. “But I can’t prove that. I feel it, you know? Like, every time he looks at me, he’s going to ask me to pay back a debt. I think he’s in charge of who goes on and who stays off the ice during certain games.”
“This is mostly speculation, Sam.” I wanted him to ground himself a little more. But, for the most part, I understood where he was coming from. Haynes would often stop us during breakthroughs in practice. He’d pair us off in mismatch groups, not paying attention to chemistry and sometimes even positions. It was like he wanted chaos on the ice.
Sam sighed. “That’s why I haven’t told anyone. You all will think I’m losing it. Maybe I am, you know? Maybe we’re not that great of a team?”
“No, I…I didn’t mean it like that. I meant it’s going to be difficult to prove.”
“I know. Which is why I need the Finn of last year to do it.” Sam pushed off the bench to start pacing again. “You don’t remember a thing? Not even the small amount of information?”
“I’m sorry.” I shook my head. The familiar feeling of guilt was back. Sam sucked the back of his teeth. I felt useless but I pushed against the feeling this time. I couldn’t keep apologizing over something unfixable. Maybe the fight was my fault. Maybe I had it coming. That part I’d take responsibility for, but the rest needed to be let go.
“And you won’t go to a doctor again? Do a CAT scan or something?” Sam looked hopeful.
“No,” I said. “I feel strong, Sam. Better than I have in a while.”
He opened his mouth, but I spoke over him.
“Not just because of Naomi. Because I’m starting to feel okay with who I am today. Going back to the hospital, getting those tests done, just the thought of it…my body goes into a panic, remembering trauma that my brain’s trying to protect me from.”
Sam’s shoulders sagged. He looked sorry and ashamed. “Finn, I didn’t realize it was still that difficult for you.”
“It’s fine. I’m moving on. I understand everyone who knew me before misses who I was. Sometimes, I get so caught up in mourning my loss I forget you all lost someone, too.”
“We didn’t lose you, Finn. Thank God.” Sam’s voice was finally back to its normal, low cadence. He was calming down.
“No, you did. It’s time we face that fact. I know it’s hard to let go. I’ve struggled with it for months now. But I’m not wasting any more time hoping someone I didn’t know comes back to claim his life.”
Sam chuckled, even though there was a sadness in his eyes. “You sound like a body snatcher.”
I laughed too. “That’s how it felt at first.”
“Sounds terrifying.”
“It was.” I went quiet for a moment. “I was scared out of my mind.”
That was before Naomi. Before gripping a hockey stick. Before realizing I could rebuild. Aden was right before, I was never no one. I was just someone new. Different and hopefully better. Definitely braver.
“We’re going to figure this out.” I took a breath and stood up. “Whatever evidence is lost, we’re going to find it again. I’m going to find it and help you prove your theory.”
Sam raised a brow, shocked and relieved. “You sure it’s not too much for you?”
“I don’t know why I chose Mendell. I have an inkling it had a lot to do with staying with you guys,” I said. “You’re my family. I’m going to help make sure we get what we deserve, so our futures are exactly what we want them to be. I don’t know much, but I know you guys should be out there with the best becauseyou’resome of best.”
“You sound like the old Finn now.” Sam let out a heavy sigh. “A bit more levelheaded, though. I like it.”
