“I haven’t exactly been honest about what I remember. Or who I remember, after the accident.”
Henrik nodded for me to continue.
“Basically, I’m not Finn from last year and I don’t think I will be ever again.” Something about saying that out loud lifted a weight off my chest. The more I spoke, the easier it was for the words to come. “At first, I pretended because I felt bad for not being him. Whenever I looked at people who knew me, I’d get this expectancy in return. You were all waiting for someone who’ll never come back. It doesn’t seem fair, but I need to start being honest.”
“You don’t remember anything?”
I couldn’t make out the tone of his voice, and it filled my stomach with dread. “No. I’ve tried to look at old photos, read old emails, and listen to stories.”
Nothing worked. And I was tired of chasing a ghost. Tonight, I ended it. It started here and would continue with Naomi.
“Maybe one day it’ll all come back in a miraculous flood of realization. But I’m not counting on it. I want to make new memories, not hope for the old ones.”
Henrik leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees. “That’s a lot to go through on your own, Finn. We’ve been treating you like nothing changed because we thought you were better.”
“I am better. But I…”
“Feel like we’re strangers,” Henrik finished. “We kind of are.”
“More or less. You’re great people, and I still want to be your friend. But I can’t pretend for the rest of my life, you know? I can’t be him.” I winced. “I understand if you all decide it’s too weird to hang out or whatnot. After all, if you’re strangers to me, I’m also a stranger to you.”
He surprised me by chuckling. There was an understanding in his eyes that brought me relief.
“Finn, it’s fine. Sucks like hell, but it’s okay. We don’t care what you remember. Stranger or not, I think some part of you is still there. Whether you end up remembering or not, you're still our friend. We still care about you."
“Thanks. I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear that.” I’d been terrified of losing Naomi. But now that I was talking to Henrik, I realized a large part of me would be devastated to lose the guys, too. Each day that went by, I felt more like a part of their circle. They accepted my moodiness and gave me space without asking for anything in return.
“Now that I know you don’t remember, I feel like I should tell you something about our relationship,” Henrik said.
I nodded, intrigued to gain extra insight.
“Like I said before, we were never as close as you were with Lincoln and Sam. Mainly because when we first met, you thought I was a thief. I was…that’s a long story. The point is, you and I didn’t start off on the right foot.”
I let out an amused huff when he laughed.
“We did bond one summer, though. You helped me come out as pansexual to my folks.” Henrik broke apart a fallen leaf as he spoke. He seemed a little anxious to have to tell the story again. “They didn’t take it too well. So, you took me on a road trip to distract me. We got stranded because you didn’t have an extra tire for the van.”
I snorted. “That doesn’t sound like me.”
“Eh, it was back then. You were forgetful. Ironic, I suppose.” He shrugged with a chuckle. “We got into a heated argument. By the time we got back home, we didn’t speak for months. The guys kept trying to patch things over.”
“To no avail?”
“Nope,” he confirmed. “We got over it on our own. We always do. I’ve been surprised you haven’t jumped down my throat recently. Now that I know why, I sort of miss it.”
“Do you really? If I were you, I’d love the break.”
Henrik shook his head. “Nah. But I guess this is a case of you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.”
My shoulders sagged. Sadness clung to my bones like a second skin.
“So, is this the speech you want to tell the guys?” Henrik asked.
I shook my head, trying to brush off the feelings of loss. “No. I want to talk to Naomi first. Before all this, I knew her. We met online and we were supposed to meet in person.”
Henrik straightened. “You knew Naomi before this? Wait, was that the girl you were going to see after the game? The one you missed the party for?”
“It’s her.”
