“You just have decision paralysis.” He brushed his fingertips over my skin to make sure the darkness of the night wasn’t covering anything. I could hear the relief in his voice. His words were also supposed to be a comfort to himself. My heart sank because I did this to him. I made my problem his when we were kids and now, worry lingered like the buzzing voice in the back of my head that told me to be better all the time.
“You don’t need Leo’s help.” Nate let go of my hand, satisfied with his findings. “He can barely help himself.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means, you’re better off without him.”
“Stop sounding so ominous,” I complained. “You’re pissing me off.”
Nate let out a breath. “Fine. I’ll be straight with you: I think Leo could hold you back, Kira.”
I frowned. “Hold me back?”
“If you… fell for him, I think your chances of moving out of our neighborhood would decrease. And I won’t let that happen. Because I know you’re supposed to do something great. Something big and someone like him could make you small.”
“Make me small?” I crossed my arms over my chest. “What does that even mean?”
Nate took a breath, looking like he’d rather not go any further. Now that he brought this up, I wasn’t going to let it go. He knew me enough to accept he’d have to continue forward.
“He’s struggling but the guy knows who he is. Leo knows where he’s going to end up,” Nate explained. “You…Kira, you haven’t even decided on what school you’re going to.”
My shoulder sagged. Shame warmed my skin. I turned my gaze to the ocean for a break from the dose of honesty.
“I’ve seen you make yourself small with Mom and Dad. You give in to what they want and need,” Nate continued, carefully. “I could see you doing that with Leo too.”
“I’m…” I took a breath. “I’m not going to make myself small with Leo or anyone. I’m working on being able to make more decisions.”
“Good. If that’s the case, I’m happy to hear it.” Nate nodded. “I’ll be even happier to know you’re doing it while also keeping a distance from Leo. Look, he’s a good guy and a great friend. But, he’s not the kind of person I want to see you with. He likes the spotlight. Winning. And I know better than anyone that winning doesn’t leave much room for anything else…”
“Nate, I promise, I can handle myself.”
“Please, trust me on this one, Kira. I don’t want you to turn out like Mom and Dad, okay? Small people without plans on getting any bigger. Their complacency kills me.”
My forehead wrinkled. “You make it sound like their life is so bad. They own a house and a business.”
“A house on the shitty side of town with a business they barely run and wouldn’t be anywhere near successful without your management?” Nate scoffed. “Dad’s barely focused. Half the time you can’t find him. Mom’s a nightmare with a drinking problem. Our parents are washed-up athletes who cheated their way to the top. And now, they’re stuck mowing rich folks’ lawns and teaching rich folks’ kids. All because they’ve settled, thinking this is the best life gets.”
I shook my head. “They’ve worked hard to move on. You know that. I don’t think it’s fair to throw that mistake around.”
Defending our parents was my usual go-to whenever Nate brought up their cheating scandal. I’m not sure why, but some part of me felt like I owed them that even when they weren’t in the room. As to be expected, Nate wore an annoyed expression after hearing my defense.
“No, the only thing they worked hard for was fucking up their opportunity to make something of themselves in favor of fast glory.” He wiped his hands on his face. “You are too smart to not see that.”
“I see it, Nate. Of course, I see. But I choose to see that they’re not those people anymore. Like I choose to give Leo a chance to… help me grow and not make me small.”
Nate groaned. “I promise, you’ll thank me for this if you listen to me. Leo’s not good for you. Not good for anyone until he gets his shit together, okay?”
I frowned. “What shit?’
“Shit that I swore I wouldn’t talk about unless he gave me permission.” Nate pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes for a second. “Look, all I can say is he’s going through some stuff. And I don’t like the idea of him dragging you down with him.”
“You can’t give me any more than that?” I wondered with a shake of my head. Because I had finally gotten on the path to trusting Leo. The trail looked almost entirely clear but now, Nate created a fog in the distance.
“I’m giving you all you need to hear while still trying to respect his privacy.” Nate sighed. “So be smart, Kira. Don’t fall for him.”
* * *
Nate had a flair for theatrics, but my god did his words plant a seed. I couldn’t shake his worries as I turned off my five AM alarm. My brother’s words crawled after me as I quietly pulled on my one-piece swimsuit and a pair of joggers. I pressed my ear to the door, listening for the familiar sound of him leaving for his morning run.
