Why had Grady never admitted his feelings to me? Was it the same reason I hadn’t told him how I felt? He knew it would be a disaster. Two people with no money and no big dreams, other than another sunset and another wave? We were too much alike, always chasing fun instead of a steady career.
Regardless, I wanted him. But wanting wasn’t enough. Not when I had two kids depending on me to make smart choices. I rolled onto my back again, staring at the crack in the ceiling.
Were we bound to make the same mistakes over and over?
For too long, I’d held on to the hope that Jeff would get himself together. Find a good job and be there for Robbie and me. The nights I’d spent on my knees, praying for something to change in him, were too many to count. Wasted prayers because he had no intention of being anyone but himself. Which was trueabout me too. And Robbie. And then Madison was born, and nothing changed. We were all who we were, for better or worse. One thing I knew for sure, though. I was better off without Jeff. So were my kids.
But, as if I hadn’t learned my lesson the first time, I was in love with another man who refused to live a conventional life. Yes, he was noble and principled. He’d walked away from his father and his job and a life that most people would have killed to have. Great qualities, unless you had two children.
I pressed the heels of my hands against my eyes, trying not to cry.
However, Grady was different than Jeff in one important way. He didn’t promise to be there for me and then do the opposite. Grady always did what he said he would. I could count on him night or day. And so could my kids. Yet, that didn’t change the fact that two broke people were just that. Broke.
Think about how he is with the kids, a little voice whispered to me. He accepts them just as they are. Not only that, but he adores them. Watching those boring documentaries with Robbie. Letting Madison put a barrette in his hair and wearing it all night. He was a good man. That was the thing my brain kept snagging on. Was that enough? And if not, was I the most shallow person in the world?
I really hoped not, but the facts seemed stacked quite clearly in that direction. It was in fact me who was the terrible person in this equation. Robbie could probably prove it with a pie chart.
My phone buzzed on the bedside table.
Grady
Hey! Hope you had a good day. It’s been a little hectic here so I haven’t had time to text. Hope you’re still up to get this one. I’m going to stay an extra day. My sister and I have a bunch of stuff to take care of and I don’t want to have to come back. How’s Madison? Is she still in pain? Did Robbie decide what he’s doing for his science project? And what about the Morrison wedding? Did you get everything done in time?
Esme
Hey! My day was a little weird. I’ll tell you about it when you get home. Madison is fine. Her follow up check up was today and she’s healing. Not in any pain. Back to talking about Barbies and unicorns. Robbie and I didn’t talk about his science project. I’m not sure what you’re even talking about. #momoftheyear
Grady
You are mom of the year! Robbie mentioned it the other night when I was over. Something about a competition coming in the spring. I’m sure he’ll tell you about it later. I’m glad Madison’s okay. I was worried about her.
Esme
What’s it like being back? Weird?
Grady
Yep. Eye-opening, though. I have lots to tell you when I get back. I booked a flight for the day after tomorrow. Maybe I can come by so we can chat?
Esme
I’d love that.
Grady
Are you going out with the doctor again?
Esme
No. I ran into him today at the hospital. Turns out he’s in love with his late brother’s girlfriend so he’s a bust as far as that goes. Nice guy, though.
Grady
What!? That sounds like one of those romance novels you love. I’m sorry. I hope you’re not disappointed.
Esme
I’m fine. I didn’t feel the spark with him anyway. It’s for the best. I mean, not for him, what with this awkward situation with the woman he loves.
