The nurse tells him to go back to the waiting area, that she’ll come out soon. But he doesn’t go. Once I’m in my room, I see him pacing on the other side of the window.
I should be telling him I love him. We should be in his bed by now. That’s what I’m thinking when a nurse comes and puts an arm around his back and leads him away.
“Can you climb up onto the bed?” my nurse asks me. But I wobble so much that she holds me by the shoulders and tells me, never mind; we can do this part right where I am. She just needs to take a little blood and then someone will come and take me for my X-ray.
She draws a full vial, dabs at my forehead with gauze and peroxide, and gives me a smile.
All I can think is that my sisters are going to be so angry about what I’ve done to the car. We pay cash for everything, and the damage will be at least three months of rent, and what was I thinking? Couldn’t I have just crashed the damn bike into a ditch instead? Or discussed this little plan with them first at least?
And that’s saying nothing about the medical bills, which will also have to be paid in cash because Jade Johnson doesn’t have insurance and we don’t want them running our fake license.
This will all be worth it,I tell myself. The way Edison looked over his shoulder at me as the nurse forced him down the hall. The way he held me and carried me through the rain. He loves me. If he didn’t know it before, he knows it now. When we get out of here, he’ll take me back to his bed. He’ll prop pillows behind my head and watch over me as I sleep, fretting, thinking how broken he would be without me. In the morning, I’ll open my eyes and there he’ll be beside me. I’ll tell him that I’m sorry for scaring him and promise not to do itagain. And somewhere in the brilliant sunlight that can only come after such a stormy night, we’ll confess our love.
It seems an hour passes before a different nurse comes into my room. “All right, then,” she says, staring at the chart propped against her forearm. “How far along are you?”
I don’t understand the question. The nurse looks up, and when she sees the bewildered look on my face, she softens. “Your baby, honey,” she says. “How long have you beenpregnant?”
17
It’s one o’clock in the morning when we’re finally out of the emergency room. Edison arranged for the car to be towed to the mechanic. They’ll get us a quote for the repairs in the morning, he tells me when I ask him. And then he kisses my forehead, beside the browning gauze, and says it’s not important. He’ll take care of it. He’ll take care of everything. But I beg him to bring me to the mechanic so that we can find my purse. I can’t have them running my license and realizing it’s a fake, but I tell Edison I’ll need my keys.
The building is closed, but there’s my Honda with its mangled hood resting in a row of other damaged cars. Edison finds my purse in the back seat. My phone is ringing when he brings it to me. I hear the musical chime, muffled by all my things, the tube of matcha ChapStick, my wallet with my fake ID, and a travel pack of tampons because I was expecting my period sometime this week.
I’m too numb to wonder who could be calling me so late. Mysisters would never use this number, besides which, they expect me to be spending the night with Edison and won’t be concerned that I haven’t been in touch. The little details that usually bring me comfort are evading me right now. The ringing stops. The door opens and Edison sits behind the wheel.
He doesn’t know that his baby is inside me. He’ll never know. That detail floats away with all the rest—the car crash, the ache in my head, my wild love for him. All of it is a blur.
“Are you sure I can’t take you back to my place?” Edison cups my cheek. When I left my apartment this evening, sleeping beside him was everything I wanted. But now the thought of being near him frightens me.We could run away.I open my mouth and those words are on the edge of my tongue. I know how to make us disappear. We could go someplace we’ve never been and rent a house with window boxes and an ornate door knocker. He could rest his head on my stomach and feel the movement inside.
Stop dreaming, you idiot.In my mind, the baby falls out from between my legs, slimy and screaming, and I don’t know what to do with it. I’m afraid, even in my own imagination, to pick it up, to clear away the blood and see if its face looks anything like mine, to know if I’m capable of loving it.
“Jade?” There’s a worry line on Edison’s forehead that I’ve never seen before.
“I want to sleep in my own bed,” I say, and it pains me to tell him such a lie. But I can’t be emotional right now. This is too important, and I need time to think.
As Edison drives back to my apartment, I watch his face in the flicker of the passing streetlamps. He looks about ten years older than he did yesterday. His eyes are bleary, his fingers clutching the wheel. But his grip softens when I reach out and put my hand over his.
“I’m sorry I scared you,” I say.
“Jade, I—” His voice chokes off. He gives himself a few seconds. “This could have been so much worse, and I couldn’t take it if—”
He can’t finish, too afraid that saying it out loud will manifest it.
This moment will live inside of me forever. Those beautiful words will warm me for the rest of my life.
“All I could think about was you,” I tell him in a soft voice. “When the car stopped spinning and I realized I was alone out there, I knew that I just had to call you and you’d come.”
He brings my hand to his lips and kisses my palm, hard. This was his greatest fear. He imagines it every time I leave him, and only breathes a sigh of relief once I text him that I’ve gotten home safely.
“I love you so much, Jade,” he says, too caught up in the moment to maintain his defenses. If he caught me by surprise in that church, I’ve repaid him here. We are full of surprises, my love and I.
This can’t last forever, Sissy,I have to remind myself. We are lucky to have found each other. We’ll burn for a short while, but the fire is hot and bright and wild. It’s a short love, but a rare love. Once in a lifetime.
“Really?” My heart fills up with more heat and light than the sun.
He nods, brings his hand back to the steering wheel with my fingers still in his. “Yeah.” His voice is tight. “I love everything about you. I love the way you grab the headboard with both hands when I go down on you, and the taste of coffee in your mouth when you kiss me in the morning. I love your fucking smile. It drives me wild, Jade. That day in the church, you smiled while you sang to me and it set me on fire.”
He knew. He knew that I’d come for him. We were always on this course and we’d waited all our lives to finally crash like two asteroids in an empty galaxy.
