“Why do you even care?” I snap, clashing tongues with a man that I have no authority over, trying to extricate myself from a gamble I had no say in. A collage of terrible childhood memories dive-bombs me right in the middle of the quad, and I can still hear the echoes of my dad’s yells. They’re similar to the blood-curdling howl that an animal releases just before it succumbs to death.
“This attitude of yours is unacceptable. You should be grateful for all the leniency your mother and I have shown you—all the bills we’ve paid for you to afford this lifestyle. We’ve stuck by you through all your mistakes.Iwant to make sure that you’re on a better track now.Iwant to make sure that my money isn’t being wasted on fruitless practices.” He speaks to me like it’s his birthright—like he’s organized a betting pool on which one of us will cave first.
I want to cuss him out. I want to block his number. I want to stand up for myself…but Richard Mulligan is a force that I can’t oppose. He’s the one pulling the strings, and a masterless puppet doesn’t have any place on a stage.
Before I can stand my ground, my father slowly unstitches my amicability with an indifferent seam ripper. “Friday. I expect your performance to be flawless. I won’t be associated with a talentless lowlife.”
And with that, he hangs up the call, leaving me speechless and on the verge of hitting the nearest trash can to redirect all the rage that has me second-guessing (ironically) the ethics of murder.
I hate him. I hate him so fucking much. He’s not my dad. He’s neverbeena dad to me. I’m just some prize swine to him. If I didn’t rely on him for money, I would’ve broken contact a long time ago.
Phone still grasped in my hand, I open Staten’s and my text thread, trying to swallow the sour flavor of a conversation gone wrong.
ME
You wanna get out of here?
STATEN
I have one more class today.
ME
Play hooky with me? Please?
STATEN
…
STATEN
Meet me at the quad.
During the entirety of the ten-minute walk I have to endure, my father’s abrasive words sting worse than rug burn, and I keep replaying his empty threats over and over again—which does absolutely nothing for the oppressive heat that blights my body. I’m so done with his bullshit. I’m so done questioning myworth based on some unfounded rubric that he’s created because of his own insecurities.
With the campus less crowded, I make it to the quad in record time, half of said time spent in some pathway hypnosis where I have no recollection of ever putting one foot in front of the other.
Staten, distracted by her phone, looks up at me as I approach, her lips curved upwards in a parabola of a smile.
“Hey, what did you wanna do? Buy some movie tickets and jump between showings? I hear the popcorn refills are unlimited at the new theater downtown.”
I don’t hear what she says, and it’s not because I’m choosing to ignore her. It feels like I’m standing under the cover of a waterfall, the frequency of its habitual crash on talus plugging my eardrums and softening the harsh edge of the world. I don’t even try to pantomime my best expression of impassiveness.
I wrap my arms around her and squeeze her to my chest as I weigh the cons of ruining our afternoon by prioritizing my own problems. I breathe in the lavender scent of her perfume—the kind that makes me forget my own name—and it acts like a nonlethal precaution against the containment breach of my emotions.
“Whoa, hey. Is everything okay?” she whispers, returning the desperation of my embrace, her tone shrouded in a decent helping of worry.
I shake my head. Good ol’ Richard Bartholomew Mulligan has taken a stick to the angry wasp nest inside of my gut for no other reason than to cure his boredom.
“My dad called,” I say numbly.
Staten pulls back to properly look at me. “What did that piece of shit want?”
“He’s coming to my next game.” My nostrils flare, my muscles lock in a permanent state of contraction, and those sixlittle words slam into my chest like the knee-buckling recoil of a firearm.
“What? Why?”
“Probably so he can brag about me to all his evil, money-hungry, morally ambiguous friends.”
