“Knox can’t like me, Hassie. He just can’t.”
“Because you’re afraid you might feel the same way?”
I’m afraid of so much.
The area between love and lust is a gray one—not saying that Knox loves me or anything—but even I can distinguish the way in which Leif and him both look at me. Infatuation versus genuine affection. Leif wants what he can’t have, and Knox wants what he might lose. Love triangles are only supposed to exist in stupid teen dramas,notmy real life.
“I don’t know anything about being in a relationship. Fake or not. Knox…he…we’re just supposed to be friends.”
God, I feel like I’m an animal being hunted for sport, unknowingly bobbing in the scope of a rifle, unaware of the horrors that await one measly trigger pull. Maybe it’s the melodrama talking, but death seems less nerve-wracking than the web I’ve caught myself in.
Hassie suddenly grabs my hands and holds them in hers, looking me straight in the eyes. “Staten, I say this with all the love in my heart, but you’re overthinking this. You don’t need to punish yourself for feeling a certain way. What if Knox likes you, and you like him back? Why would that be the worst thing in the world?”
Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because I’m a schedule follower and I’m not equipped to handle both of my admirers going off script. Maybe because both guys bring great things to the table, and I don’t want to be responsible for breaking one of theirhearts. Guys don’t have crushes on me. Guys likeKnox Mulligandon’t have crushes on me.
My mind is a freight train screeching against steel tracks. “I don’t want to ruin my friendship with Knox. And I…I’m afraid of listening to my heart rather than my head,” I admit.
I already ruined my friendship with Leif, but Knox is different. I don’t have to put on a façade for him. I don’t have to hide my financial status. He accepts me for who I am—he appreciates my flaws just as much as my strengths.
Sympathy drapes over Hassie’s face. “I know you don’t want to hurt either of them, but the only one you’re hurting right now is yourself. You deserve to experience love, Staten. You deserve grace when you make mistakes. That’s just a part of life. You’d be doing a disservice to yourself if you didn’t hear Knox out. I know you’ve had your heart set on Leif, but if Knox is showing up when you didn’t expect him to, maybe it’s time to rethink your priorities.”
I hate it when she’s right. Come on, Staten. Who’s been by your side through this entire thing? The minute Knox entered the picture, Leif made you feel like…like you had to choose between the two of them. He ignored you. He belittled you. He only wanted you because, for the first time in the two years you’ve known him, he saw you as desirable.
But Knox—he didn’t have to wait around for competition. He knew what he wanted from the start, and he’s been determined ever since to get your attention. He was there for you when you were on the verge of tears and hysteria. He was there for you when you were at your lowest. He was there for you when you were convinced you’d be alone forever. When you really break everything down, why is Leif even a contender?
Jeez, that’s saying a lot. The guy who hit me with his car has been a better friend to me than the guy who I met in a crimeless orientation group.
My nerves have a vendetta against me, and although I’mnever one to shuck off my emotion-resistant exoskeleton, I know that suppressing my fears will only make them more resentful. It feels like there’s fiberglass scraping against the mesh of my lungs with microscopic pinpricks.
“What if I lose him forever? I don’t think I can risk it.”
Hassie’s frown broadens. “Do you really think that stringing him along is the way to keep him? You have to come to terms with the truth at some point.”
This is my worst nightmare. I think I’d rather flunk all my classes than have to deal with the responsibility of two different hearts. And that’s saying something.
“Knox and I are from two different worlds. We don’t make any sense together. Maybe I’m just misunderstanding this whole thing, you know? Maybe he’s just a really good actor,” I ramble, unsure of who I’m trying to convince at this point, all kinds of harebrained explanations forming a queue in my head.
God, even an amateur poker player can bluff better than me.
Hassie doesn’t indulge in my drivel. Instead, she drops my hands and pulls out her phone, something similar to nonchalance crossing her expression like this is just another one of my early-morning spirals. Honestly, it kind of is. Except I’m tackling something way more important than grades or schoolwork or the cobwebbed pockets of my wallet. I care for Knox in a way that terrifies me above all else. I’m like a soldier caught in the trenches with nowhere to run, cornered by a familiar enemy.
I don’t even realize Hassie is scrolling on her phone until she shoves the screen of her device into my face. “Does this look like the face of a man who’s acting?”
I rear back so I can analyze the full picture, and lo and behold, Mustang Mania has posted one of Knox’s and my private moments aired for everyone to see. He’s staring at me with admiration gleaming in his eyes—a searchlight in thedarkness—and it’s one of those looks that I, foolishly, have never noticed before.
The world around me narrows to a focus point, blurring the sidelines of my periphery. All I can see is the tilt of a smile on his face, the way he’s actively listening to whatever I’m boring him with, the eyes that revere me with a deep-seated respect I’ve never even received from my employers or professors.
Longing squeezes my insides, triggering my limbic system. I blink back the tears that trespass on my waterlines. I’ve yearned my whole life to be seen like this—for who I am rather than what I’m capable of. Knox saw me first without even really knowing me. And now, the proof is in the grainy picture.
Embarrassment threads through my voice, and I’m halfway to needing a new pair of pants as my fingernails demolish the denim. “I…I don’t know anything about being in a relationship. I don’t know anything about fornication. I wasn’t made to be the girl who gets the guy. I was made to be the quirky sidekick who’s perpetually single.”
“Maybe start with not calling it ‘fornication’?” Hassie offers.
After spending way too long ogling Knox’s ridiculously good-looking face, I spring to my feet, eye twitching and hair all frizzy like I just trudged through a static storm. Also known as my pre-caffeine, post-schoolwork, meltdown-prone craziness. You’d think I spent all night trying to find the cure for cancer,nottrying to recreate my own version ofThe Bachelorette.
“And my flirting is even worse! I don’t know how to flirt! All I know is how to maintain eye contact with a person.” I go stock-still, widening my eyes as I stare into the soul of my best friend.
Hassie shudders. “Okay, yeah. Definitely don’t do that.”
