“That doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter beneath my breath, one part of me itching for a fight, the other part tired of always escaping by the skin of my teeth.
“I took you for granted,” he confesses. “I didn’t realize I had a good thing until it was gone.Youwere that good thing, Staten. And then Knox came strutting in like he owned the place, and…and it messed with my feelings.”
“You never noticed me until you thought you had competition. Do you realize how many times I’ve bent over backwards to get your attention?”
“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
Regret punctuates the air with the sharpness of a tailcoatsnapping in the wind. My composure is wearing thin, though it’s arguable if I had any left in the first place. There’s a heat in my body that floors me—a tremble to my lower lip that paints the perfect picture of impuissance.
A frown crooks my lips. “I envisioned something more with you, you know? I thought that’s what I wanted. I thoughtyouwere what I wanted, but I was wrong. I just wanted to beseen, and Knox was the first person to give me the time of day.”
I miss Knox so much. We didn’t even get in a fight, but it feels like I’ve lost him forever. I wouldn’tsurvivelosing him. He showed me what it meant to be cherished. He taught me that I was worthy of healthy love. He held me through it all, even when I scratched at vulnerable flesh in bestial defense.
Moisture finally rushes down my cheeks in twin streams until I taste salt in the canyon of my mouth. My limbs shake like I’ve missed a dose of medication—like I’ve been deprived of a baseline necessary for survival.
When Leif’s arms engulf me, I don’t have the strength to hug him back.
“I see you now. I promise,” he whispers, his tone tinted with a warmth that I hadn’t realized I missed.
My lungs battle for air; my lacrimal glands cook up a new batch of tears. The world moves in a time lapse around us—blurry and migraine-inducing—and when I weep, my heart does so in consolation.
I don’t have it in me to hate Leif. I wish I could. It sure would make this thing a whole lot easier for me. Although I can’t excuse all his transgressions, he’s not a bad guy.
“I never wanted this to ruin our friendship,” I sniffle, pulling back to mop up the residue on my face.
The smell of petrichor stains the ozone, predicting a nearby storm—one I can make out through the migration of low-rolling, slate-gray clouds. Brooding. Billowing.
“Nothing’s ruined. In fact, I’m glad we finally cleared the airbetween us because there’s something I’ve been wanting to say.”
I nod, hope spring-loaded between my ribs. Maybe we can finally leave this mess behind us and be friends again.
I’ve spent my whole life wondering if I’d be anybody’s first choice. And being the wallflower that I was, there came a time when I stopped dreaming about it because I knew it would never come true. I couldn’t compete with the other girls, you know? The ones who didn’t need makeup to look beautiful, the ones who were effortlessly skinny yet still curvy in all the right places, the ones who took to making friends like it was a breeze rather than a painstaking chore.
Those were the girls who people noticed.
Leif’s lips ruck up into a smile. “I’m ready now. I want to be your boyfriend.”
What did he just say?
“You…what?” I exclaim, shock eating away at my expression.
“Don’t you still want this?”
Maybe two years ago. Maybe even a month ago. But now? When my heart belongs to Knox? The answer is obvious, yet somehow, the exact words I want to say don’t slither out of my lips.
I’ve been dreaming about this moment for years. I would’ve given anything to be with Leif, but…Knox changed my life for the better. So why can’t I just tell Leif how I really feel? Why do I still feel loyal to him?
“I—this is all a lot for me to process. I can’t give you the answer you’re looking for right now.”
I don’t know how I expected him to react, though the unnerving smile on his face never wavers. “You’ll know I’m the right choice when the time comes. And I’ll wait for you, however long it takes.”
KNOX
Ever since Leif’s and my conversation, I haven’t been able to shake this dreamlike offscouring. The voices in my head have never been so loud before, and inferiority crouches in the shadows of my subconscious.
Was everything he said true? Is Staten really too good for me? I mean, all the evidence points to yes. I’m just going to slow her down. She’s so…so put together, you know? And I’m the guy who ran over an innocent biker on the first day of school.
I should’ve talked to Staten about how I felt after Leif swooped in and ruined everything, but I’ve been too ashamed to show myself. I never wanted her to see me like that—to see my anger getting the better of me. Helpless, reprimanded, as if I was some sticky-fingered child who got caught with their hand in the cookie jar again.
