Of course she’d go straight to the jugular. “Do you want the short answer or the long?”
“Both.”
“Short first, then.” Lifting my chin, I take a deep breath and get ready to open old wounds, which ache despite the passage of time. A bitter, coppery taste floods my mouth.
“I was pretty sure you’d pick him. Had a ghost of hope you wouldn’t, but it was only a matter of time before you’d face the choice. I figured the longer it took to get there, the more it’d hurt when I lost you, so I might as well push and lose you earlier, in case that would make it hurt less.”
“Did it?” She reaches for the pen, leaning far across the desk to do so. The movement sends a whiff of cranberry my way, temporarily countering the bitterness in my mouth.
“No telling, but it near broke me then”—I rub the center of my chest—“and that’s not counting what it did to you.”
“Or Max,” she adds.
“He knew it was bound to happen, but had more hope, rightfully, that you’d pick him.”
“You were my friend, my lover. I might have asked to bond with you if you’d waited.” Her knuckles whiten around the pen. “What went wrong?”
I blink and run through her words two, three times. They make no sense coming from her. “It was him or me. Surely you knew the choice would come.”
“I knew nothing except that, one night, you and Max went off on a second date, the first having gone well enough that you both agreed to another.” She sets the pen down and massages the hand that held it. Sourness tinges her scent. “Afterward, Max wouldn’t say anything about it. You vanished for three days, then demanded I choose between you, giving me only one night to decide.”
“Max said nothing?” My turn to pin my arms so tightly against my side they hurt. My lungs seize.
“Only that the date ended early and that it wouldn’t work out between you.”
“He always was a gracious winner.” The words slip out without bidding. It’s wonderful that his generosity meant the only thing she held against me all these years was my forcing her to choose, though the fact remains that she chose him without knowing.
“He’d always been wary about the notion of living with alphas—no surprise given his father.” Johanna’s not looking at me, her arms across her chest.
News to me, though I could attest firsthand to the ranks of shitty alphas in the world.
Me included, more often than I like.
“But we thought we could find a way.” She draws in a hissing breath. “Then, it went up in smoke. He worried about losing me, a stronger fear than I realized, but he also decided he couldn’t pack up, not ever. He told me that much after your ultimatum, though he didn’t ask me to choose then and there.” Her gazereturns to mine, fierce and practically smoking. “What did you do?”
“That’s the longer story.”
Max had kept the details of our date a secret, something I’ve learned to avoid. Secrets tend to come back and bite me on the ass if I’m lucky, my cock if I’m not. In this case, his generosity hits me like a spear, because I’m the one who will have to tell her.
Fair play, and a double-edged gift.
Johanna leans back and waves for me to go ahead.
“To explain what happened, I need to share information about me, before and after.” I swallow, mouth dry. Sweat makes my shirt stick to the small of my back as I lean forward. “This isn’t an excuse. I was wrong. I acknowledge that. But this provides context.”
“Cut to the chase. What did you do?”
“I showed Max that he might never be completely safe with me.” I grab hold of the armrests and grip tight. “That his scent, even when he wasn’t in heat, might trigger my alpha to try to fuck him.”
The taste of copper floods my mouth again, warring with the remembered smell of bitter oranges and rum mixed with vomit. I don’t know exactly what happened in the seconds my alpha ruled my body, it’s all a mess of blurry images, scents, and unquenchable lust. One moment, Max was smiling nervously at me, and the next he lay on the ground with my hands caging his head and our groins pressed together, my cock hard and knot starting to swell, but his soft.
No going back from that.
Blood drains from Johanna’s face. She bows her head, fingers pressing against her forehead. Sour cranberry blasts from her, rancid and tinged with mustiness.
My alpha quails inside, shrinking into a small vibrating mass sending out an urgent need for me todo something!To make things better, comfort her.
“Maybe if we’d gotten close enough to share a mate bond it would’ve prevented my alpha from trying to fuck him when he didn’t want it.” I shrug, as it’s a moot point. “I wouldn’t know.”
