“I was on the bottom with Max in me and the most expensive lock money can buy around his cock so he’d feel squeezed tight. The alpha was on top, fucking Max into me. He roared, and I saw the gleam of his teeth.” She opens her mouth wide and snaps her teeth shut before continuing.
“He probably wasn’t going to bite Max and mate him, to recreate his pack, in a way—he’d shown no sign of it—but I was afraid he would.” Then her voice drops to a whisper. “Or maybe I wanted an excuse? I leaned up and kissed him, and he kissed me back.”
Tension thrums in Johanna’s body, and tears leak from her eyes again, as though she’s confessed a horrendous sin.
“It’s just a kiss.” Given everything else that goes on in heats, a kiss on the lips counts as minor, at best.
That was clearly the wrong thing to say. She pulls away and takes the covers with her. “You don’t understand.”
“Then help me.” My turn to shiver as I sit up and shift to face her, watching her face in the flickers of dawn edging the curtain behind me.
“Max doesn’t—didn’t—kiss me.”
Such simple words, but they took a moment to register. “Never?”
“Oh, on the cheek sometimes, a smooch or a buss, but not on the mouth.” She huddles, pulling the covers ever closer. “No one has for ages, not a deep kiss, lips and tongues and drinking each other in, feeding shared desire, and making me remember everything I gave up because it didn’t fit with me being with Max, and that was more important.”
There was likely part of the hurt behind the nightmare: she’d given up a lot for Max. It’s always easier to live with sacrifices when one has what one gained in exchange.
“Max wouldn’t have asked you to forgo?—”
“He didn’t.” She stops me with a finger against my lips, leaning in as her words spill out. “He just made clear what he could and couldn’t offer me. He was okay with me having sex with other people, maybe not happy, but willing to try and be open, and so I tried, but one-night stands didn’t work for me. I ended up cold and lonely and regretting them afterward.”
“Some of us just can’t get off on one-night stands. There’s no shame either way.” I can’t usually catch my own scent much—too familiar—but a flash of bitter apple stings my nostrils.
“You?” She leans back, face tilting up at mine.
“I tried after the divorce, but the release wasn’t worth it. I just wound up emptier than before.”
“Me too.” Her shoulders sag. “Taking lovers didn’t work, either, because I didn’t have enough time for both them and Max, and I couldn’t just make time because I missed Max too much. I wanted a pack, but by then, it was clear it wouldn’t ever happen.
“So I found ways to deal with it all. Mostly, I edge—you know, build low levels of desire and keep my body humming over days and weeks—until Max went away for conferences or presentations or something else, and I could let go. Always alone.” A rueful laugh escapes her. “There’s a lot you can do with yourself, especially with the right toys.”
I squelch any urge to imagine her collection or how she’d look using them. Not the time or place, especially as she isn’t done sharing.
“But kissing a toy isn’t the same.” She touches my lips again, tracing the edges of my mouth. “Kissing requires someone else.”
Moving slowly, watching for any signs of resistance, I pull her into a big hug, something else one can’t do alone. Her warm arms creep around to stroke my back, mirroring my strokes over her silky skin and nightgown.
If anything, her revelations leave me awed by how she shaped her life to get as much as she could of what she needed, without demanding from Max what he couldn’t give. A dozen contradictory emotions flood me, not least envy of such dedication, paired with guilt because Max didn’t ask to be the way he was or for Johanna to sacrifice for him. He simply had a deep understanding of himself, who he was, and what he could and couldn’t do.
I’d sometimes wondered why Max and Johanna hadn’t bitten each other and formed mating bonds, given how much love they shared. Johanna’s revelations suggest that she might have resisted.
Mating bonds mean sharing feelings with ones’ mates, but all too often, those emotions lack in context. I had firsthand knowledge of the pain that comes with being tied as love soured into hate. Luckily, I hadn’t bitten my ex, as though some part of me feared, from the beginning, that it would end in bitterness.
Johanna wouldn’t have wanted Max to know how much effort she invested in making her life fit with his.
For his part, Max likely wished to spare her his frustrations in dealing with his inner omega. That, and growing up in his parents’ pack hadn’t offered a good model in favor of bonds. My uncle, the dominant alpha, hadn’t had any trouble ignoring his mates’ wishes and trampling over their feelings despite their magical ties. He was a prime example of the kind of alpha-ridden man I refused to become, and I was grateful his brother—my father—had managed to forge a different path.
“No, kissing isn’t a solo activity.” I brush my lips over her forehead. My inner alpha takes the opportunity to push me to ask, “What happened next?”
“We tired Max out, and he crashed. I started crying, and the alpha held me while I shared stuff like I just told you. Then he kissed me, deep and long, just the two of us.” Johanna touchesher mouth, eyes flickering shut, then winces. “Max woke and saw—or his omega did—and nearly went feral.”
She hisses and draws in on herself, rocking back and forth. I stroke her hair and tuck her head against my neck as the last dregs of the nightmare drip from her.
“Max attacked the alpha. Drove him out of the nest, then fucked me until he dropped again. The alpha waited outside the nest, to make sure I wasn’t hurt, ran a bath for me, even, then he left. When Max woke up, his heat was over, and it wasn’t clear if he remembered any of it. That was pretty normal for him,”—a broken laugh escapes her, but her nose is cold against my throat—“and we went back to our regularly-scheduled life.”
Yet between them, Max and the alpha had left Johanna with a reminder of what she’d given up. She’d been forced to watch someone walk away who, under other circumstances, she might have explored courting and adding to her pack.
