It’s also the look Max gets when he has to do something he doesn’t want, and while it doesn’t quite make me laugh, it does help ease some of the tension running through me.
It’s hard to remember that another person made up half of him with me. That Max’s DNA is connected to someone who barely knows him. She has no idea he hates bananas, or that he always ties his shoelaces with the left foot first because he’s right-handed and thinks it balances things out.
She’ll never have the memory of waking up next to him, face smooshed into the pillow, or watching his first time on a pony. She’ll never see the way the dogs follow him around religiously in case he’s got biscuits in his pocket.
She’ll never know about his passion for snails, which is what’s usually in his pocket.
“I guess you won’t let me see him.”
I hold in the scoff. “You guess correctly.”
“Then tell me about him, please. I deserve that.”
I bite my tongue.Do you?I want to say.Do you really believe you deserve to know anything about the child you didn’t want?
But I relent, though I keep it to the bare minimum. “He’s sweet, funny. Getting taller every day. He loves reading, and his current favorite is about a pirate boy. Miles has been teaching him how to play polo?—”
She holds her hand up. She’s had enough, whereas I could go on and onand on.I’m almost disappointed she hasn’t proven herself to be different from the person I thought she was.
Her eyes flick from me to the school, then drop to where her hands are in her lap. “I came because I wanted to make sure I was making the right decision. One I’ve been weighing for a long time. I thought maybe if I caught a glimpse of him, that my mind would be swayed in one direction or another?—”
My stomach drops to the floor, and my jaw is clenched so tight I can barely get the words out. “Swayed about what?”
She turns her whole body to me. “I’m moving away. I’ve spent the past twelve months in India building a community over there. I opened up a yoga retreat, and it’s really turning into something.” She smiles, peacefully, proudly, but I have no idea what to do with this information. Am I supposed to congratulate her, or is she about to drop the bomb that she wants Max to move to India with her, because . . .? “And I’ve decidedthat’s where my heart is. I don’t want to be in England anymore.”
“Okay.” My eyes narrow, and I get the distinct impression she’s enjoying my misery.
“Relax, Hendricks. I’ve instructed my solicitor to hand over the deed for the London flat to you. And to request your solicitors stop the monthly payments.”
I stare at her, wondering if I’ve heard correctly. I watch her lips move, but the words coming out don’t make any sense. “Sienna?—”
“I don’t need or want anything from you, Hendricks. I have to do this by myself.”
Once more, I bite my tongue, declining to mention that opening a yoga studio “by yourself” hardly counts when someone else has funded the entire thing because I assume that’s where all my money went. But, fuck it, if she wants to live in India forever, then I’ll drive her to the airport myself.
“Congratulations.”
Sienna bows her head. “Thank you, it means a lot. Here.” She presses the envelope to my chest and, before I can stop her, leans in to kiss my cheek. “Bye, Hendricks.”
I’m speechless. Tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth as I watch her walk away. I hope it’s for good. Iprayit’s for good. It’s different from any interaction we’ve ever had before, that’s for sure. I want to latch on to the little bubble of hope growing in my belly, and I’m tempted to go into the school just so I can see Max, to hold him and kiss him.
It’s only caution that stops me because he’d know something was up, beyond me being a weird dad. And I never ever want Max to know anything about whathappened until he’s old enough to understand.
So I walk back to my car, much less angry than I left it. Once my heart has settled into a steadier beat, I call Arthur back.
“What happened?”
“She’s moving to India,” I reply and reiterate the financial aspect.
“That’s . . . um, unusual.”
“She also gave me an envelope, but I haven’t opened it.” I’m too scared.
“Go ahead, we can deal with it.”
Twisting open the fastening at the top, there’s a single sheet of paper inside, and I pull it out.
It’s an official government document, but I scan the words so quickly that it’s hard to take in what they say, let alone what they mean. I’m reading it again for the third time when Arthur reminds me he’s on speakerphone.
