Quickly, he spins on his heels and marches from the room, shooting, “I’m just going to need a minute,” over his shoulder before he disappears into his bedroom.
“Fuck,” I breathe, my head falling back as regret coils around me.
I wish I could forget about everything and just accept what he’s offering.
I need it. Hell knows I need it.
The vibrator I packed is still doing very little to take the edge off my situation. And it doesn’t help that it’s so loud, I refuse to use it when Everett is home. And he seems to always be here, driving me to the brink by walking around shirtless with a pair of sweats hanging low from those hips.
A frustrated groan rips from my lips, and I hop down from the counter, slip my feet into my sneakers, and walk out of the room, ready to go to the hospital and see our baby.
Everett joins me a few moments later, his pants fitting as they should, but his shoulders are tense, and his expression is tight.
It doesn’t stop him from taking my hand the second we’re out of the apartment. And he holds it all the way down to the lobby, even though no one can see us.
It’s not for show, to try and convince everyone this is real. It’s…it’s for him, and that makes me second-guess my actions up in my room even more.
59
EVERETT
“That’s a baby,” I blurt, my eyes wide as I stare at the screen.
The sonographer chuckles lightly as Bea sniffles, her hand holding mine tightly as we stare at our baby.
“Yep, that’s a baby,” Nancy, the woman manning the wand attached to Bea’s growing stomach, confirms.
I stare in awe, able to make out a head, a body, two arms, two legs, and even some little fingers and toes.
“It’s incredible,” I breathe. “You’re growing a person, sweetheart. A real-life person. That’s insane.”
Nancy chuckles again, but Bea doesn’t make a sound, and when I rip my eyes from the screen and look at her, I realize why. Silent tears trickle down her cheeks, and her bottom lip trembles, but there’s so much happiness radiating from her, it makes my heart hurt in the best kind of way.
How she could think I could ever grow bored with her is beyond me. She is, hands down, the most incredible person I’ve ever met. No matter how much I learn about her, I crave more. I fear that it’ll never be enough. I hope it’s never enough.
Watching her stomach grow and her body change is the most mesmerizing thing I’ve ever experienced, and I’m ridiculouslyexcited to see what the next twenty weeks bring. Usually, the only thing I really look forward to is the season starting, but this year, I’ve barely given it any thought. No, that’s a lie. This year, I’m dreading it.
How am I going to cope with being so far away from Bea and our bump, and then Bea and our baby so often?
I don’t want to see her bump grow through a screen, or miss out on the first smile, the first steps, the first everything, because I’m on the other side of the country.
Those familiar feelings of not being good enough for those who love me resurface, and I drop my gaze from Bea as I try to fight against them.
I so desperately want to be good enough for both of them. But I don’t know how.
Sure, I can take Bea out and buy her designer maternity clothes. I can create the most incredible nursery for our little one. But none of that is what matters, not really.
What they need is me. Showing up for them time and time again.
But what if I can’t? What if I lose myself in the losses and the darkness that so often tries to claim me?
“Everett?” Bea questions.
I have no idea how much time has passed where I’ve gotten lost in my own head, but as Nancy says, “I’ll give you guys a minute,” and walks out of the room, I figure it must have been a while.
“I’m sorry,” I mutter, pushing to my full height and reaching for the tissue in Bea’s hand so I can help her clean up.
“No, wait,” she says, grabbing my hand and stopping me. “Look at me,” she demands when I don’t do anything.
