Perception: the ability to become aware of something through the senses
i.e.: the perception of love
Do you see it? Hear it? Feel it?
I love you.
I removed it from the fridge, which was against our little game, but I wanted to save that one. I took out the pad of Post-It’s and the Sharpie and wrote:
Love: a great interest or pleasure in something.
I have both in you. I LOVE YOU.
I fixed my coffee and added the creamer until it was a perfect golden color. I swiped my phone from the counter and made my way to the sofa, nestling in. I sipped the drink, the routine of it just as much as the liquid itself. I unlocked my phone to a missed call, but I didn’t recognize the number and there was no message.
I sipped my coffee, hoping it would release the knot in my stomach. Although Max had gone out of his way to show me he loved me despite everything, I still felt guilty.
Can I really do this to him? Even if he says it’s what he wants, can I stay with him, knowing what that means for his future?
I took another sip, willing the hot liquid to dissolve the twisted bundle of nerves in my body. I knew Max wouldn’t just up and leave me—it wasn’t his style. Even if he agreed with me that it was too much of a sacrifice to stay with me, he would do it in as nice of a way as possible. That’s how he rolled. Even that could take months and did I want another handful of months of his life wasted on me?
I need to find a way to give him an out. I need to figure out how to let him walk away without being the bad guy...
I pulled up the news and started to read the latest headlines when a number flashed across the screen.
I sat my coffee down and answered it. “Hello?”
There was a long pause before a voice answered, “Hey, Kari.”
“Blaine?” I sat up on the sofa, tossing Max’s favorite flannel blanket off of me.
“Yeah. I...um...I wanted to, I don’t know, check on you?” It was more of a question than a statement and I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t expect him to call me. I didn’twanthim to call me.
“I’m fine. Nice of you to wait, you know, a few years to make sure I was okay. So sweet of you,” I spat. I heard the phone get tossed around some, the speaker muffling a little. I gripped my end tightly, the disbelief of hearing his voice quickly turning to anger.
He cleared his throat. “I should have called—”
“Yes, you should have!” I stood up, pacing the floor, the volume of my voice breaking something free in my soul. It was cathartic. “You should’ve called me. You should’ve turned the hell around and came back.”
The line was quiet. I knew he was running a hand through his hair, probably looking at the floor.
“How dare you show up last night? How dare you call me now?” I roared.
“Kari, please. Listen to me. I didn’t know you were going to be there.”
I laughed angrily. “Of course you didn’t. Just like I didn’t know you were going to be there or I damn sure wouldn’t have been!”
“I can’t blame you,” he said, his voice way more controlled than mine. “Look, can I take you to lunch or something?”
“No, you can’t. I have nothing to say to you.”
He laughed. “You’re sure saying a lot right now.”
I paced a circle, ignoring Titus scratching at the door. “I’ve waited for years to tell you what a piece of shit you were for leaving me like that. And now,” I looked at Titus and he cocked his head, knowing something was wrong, “and now I don’t even know what to say to you. I’ve always thought I would go into some big speech about how much you hurt me.” I took a breath and spotted a picture of Max and me at a football game. He was kissing my cheek and holding the phone out with one hand, snapping a selfie. A calmness settled over my soul. “But now, I don’t think any of it matters.”
There was a pause, both of us waiting out the other.
“Seeing you sitting there last night...” He cleared his throat again. “Seeing you again was like my worlds colliding. I’ve wanted to call you a million times since that night, but I’ve been so ashamed of myself that I couldn’t.”
