“No! I want you to stay safe. I want you to live the life you were meant to live and not get dragged back into your old, self-destructive habits.” She sounds uncomfortable bringing this up, but it doesn’t stop her from trying to mother me.
"My old habits? Do you seriously think I didn’t have the chance to drink or do drugs when I was living on my own surrounded by college students? How is it so different here? You have to back off and let me live my life.”
"It’s different and you know it!" Natalie throws up her hands and turns to pull her apron off the hook by the fridge. “Do you think I’ve forgotten because you see me living here tucked away safe and sound with Clark? I might not do it as much anymore, but I still work shifts at the Eagles’ Roost and party with the club. Don’t act like college parties and club parties are the same thing.”
“That’s what I don’t understand. Why do you think you can handle it but I can’t? You’re not my mother. And it’s never worked out well for us when you pretend to be, so stop. Piston, Zero and Beast have been great.” I can see the hurt on Nat’s face, but I can’t stop lashing out any more than she can stop treating me like I’m made of glass.
"Oh, I’m sure they are,” she says sarcastically.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Natalie takes out her cookie trays, slamming things around noisily which isn’t like her. “Damn it! I'm supposed to make some cookies for the triplets' birthday party." She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. “I’m sure they’re good guys, but you have a history of poor decision making and not knowing when to stop.”
“I can’t believe you. You’re really standing there in an apron lecturing me on personal boundaries while you get ready to bake cookies for a woman who ended up hooked up with three menincluding her step-brotherafter they rescued her from her crazy cult father? But I go out for one non-alcoholic beer and I’m the problem.”
"I will always be your big sister. The day I stop being protective is the day I die."
“I’m not asking you to stop caring, I’m asking you to stop usingmylife to fixyourguilt complex.” We have so much history that most siblings never need to go through, and I know her concerns come from a good place, but sometimes I just can’t deal with the weight they put on me. “I think maybe neither of us are in a good place for this conversation right now.”
There, that’s mature, right?
For a moment her expression softens, but only for a moment. "Then when will we have it? I love you, Sandra, but I know you. School is just hard for now. Maybe you can transfer to somewhere closer, but you’ll regret it if you quit, and it’s such a waste of the opportunity they gave you.”
The opportunity. Another privileged weight around my neck. When the Screaming Eagles took down the MC that went after me and Natalie, the club made a lot of money off everything they confiscated. Quickshot, Badass and Animal donated their cut of the profits to help us get back on our feet afterwards, along with a generous bonus from the Eagles that helped Nat start her bakery and create my college fund.
And I’m so grateful for it. I haven’t spent a dollar from that account that wasn’t used for tuition, books or supplies. But isn’t it more of a waste to spend what’s left on a degree I don’t want? “I haven’t dropped out. I’m just on a leave of absence.”
“Good, see? That’s exactly why you shouldn’t get messed up in a relationship right now. And I know you know it or you would’ve gone to the Roost instead of sneaking off somewhere you thought I wouldn’t find out.”
"What? The reason we were at that bar is because I knew you'd overreact and I wanted one fun night out. Have you ever considered that if you hadn’t pushed so hard when I was younger, that I might have stuck around? That I wouldn’t’ve been desperate to get away?”
She looks like I slapped her.
“See? This is why I said we should talk about it later.”
"I just don't want to lose you again. You were doing so well, and now it’s just like last time." She gestures to me.
We’ve had this conversation enough that I know what she’s not saying.You look like you did back then.A verbal slap from me, an emotional punch from her. It might be less painful to put on boxing gloves and get in the ring together like Beast and Piston.
“A few purple highlights aren’t going to send me into a spiral, Nat. I need to be myself and figure out whatIwant. If that means going out and having fun with guys once in a while, then at least it’s guys you can keep an eye on, right? Like you said, if things go wrong you’ll probably hear the gossip before I’m even home.”
“That doesn’t mean I’m happy about it.”
“You don’t have to be! You just have to trust me for once. Is it really that hard?”
She doesn’t answer, which is answer enough.
“Perfect. I’m going out, unless you want to try and ground me for old time’s sake?” I spin on my heel and head towards my room to change. “It might take me a while to find something decent in my price range, but I’ll start looking for apartments tomorrow.”
“Sandra, wait.”
I stop, but don’t turn around.
"You don’t have to go," Natalie’s voice is barely above a whisper.
She loves me, and I know she wants what's best for me, but this isn’t healthy. Am I going to feel guilty forever? Probably, but I can't let it rule my life. “I know, but maybe it’s for the best.”
I pull my phone out of my pocket, and after a moment's consideration, I message the group chat.
