“That’s not what I mean.” Bryn waved her away with surprising confidence. “I don’t like that I let you run. That I didn’t know how to hold you when you were scared.”
Each syllable was heavy artillery fired on Vivian’s decimated defenses. She had nothing left. Nothing to counter the accusation.
“And I was selfish?—”
“Bryn, absolutely not?—”
“Please, let me finish.” Bryn’s hand was so warm through the thin robe when she rested it on Vivian’s arm. “If I hadn’t been so wrapped up in what I wanted, I would have seen that you weren’t ready. I should have stopped when you were comfortable with sex but not talking. Instead, I ignored the warnings and kept going because I was so sure that any part of you was better than nothing. But over the last week I’ve realized that I’m greedy and all I want is everything.” Her eyes watered, but she didn’t cry. “I want your good news and your nightmares. I want your disappointments and wins. I want to know why you kept those tiny little room service ketchup bottles when you never add any condiments to your food. And the only thing Idon’twant is to ever let you go. Not again.”
“Bryn—”
“And I know I’m saying a lot. I do. And, probably, I’m saying too much. But I’d rather say too much than not enough. Because I’m never turning around and leaving again with anything left on my mind. And I should never have left your room without telling you the truth. Vivian, I like you so much that it should scare me, but all it does is fuel this—this—this…” She put her hand to her chest and it was only when Bryn’s tears dripped onto her cheeks that Vivian realized hers had already been streaming. “This thing you make me feel doesn’t scare me. It gives me the kind of bravery a frontline soldier needs to run into battle screaming to fight for what they believe in.”
In a parallel universe, Vivian would have made a joke. Would have asked if Bryn was comparing her to certain death at enemy hands. But she couldn’t call upon even that shield. She had no defenses at the ready, and she couldn’t bring herself to search for one. She didn’t want to deflect a single beautiful sentiment.
“And I know how you must feel about sex.” Bryn squeezed her arm, voice trembling as hard as Vivian’s hands. “I should have been more careful. Talked about?—”
“Bryn, I cannot allow you to continue to place this burden on yourself.” Vivian reached out and gently cupped Bryn’s face, brushing her tears away while her own burned her skin. “I slept with you because I very much wanted to, and my choices are not your responsibility. My mishandling of our time together is not your fault. And I’m so sorry I hurt you.” She closed her eyes against the unbearable regret. “I thought I could do it. I thought?—”
“I just need you to know that I don’t care about sex,” Bryn said so passionately that Vivian couldn’t help but look at her with total disbelief.
“Oh?”
Bryn chuckled, face red and eyes drying. “I mean, I care, but not nearly as much as I care about you. About getting to know you as a whole person.”
“You say that, but?—”
“I mean it. And I’ll prove it to you. No sex until you believe in your bones that my feelings for you are real and have nothing to do with that.” Bryn really did resemble a warrior ready to face any foe. Ready to slay any dragon… even if it lived inside Vivian. Even if it was of Vivian’s own making.
“And what if I’m never ready?” Vivian’s fear slipped out the unguarded door. “If I can never access both my heart and my body for you? For anyone?”
Without a shred of hesitation, Bryn looked unblinkingly into Vivian’s eyes and vowed, “I’ll choose your heart, Vivian. Every time.”
The words, uttered so sincerely, left Vivian standing alone and exposed. Left her wondering how Bryn could promise so much with unwavering certainty. Vivian wanted to have that kind of confidence. To know with total conviction that she could commit to anything with that ferocity.
“I don’t know if I can.” She shook her head. “If I should.” She tried to swallow but her tongue felt like sandpaper against the roof of her mouth. “I have lived my entire life as an imposter, Bryn, but everything about you is so painfully authentic it’s hard to believe a person like you exists in a world like this.”
“I’m real, Vivian.” She leaned forward, both hands on Vivian’s face. “I’m real and I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”
Vivian covered Bryn’s hands with her own and brought them to her lap. She didn’t let her go. She clung to her selfishly, cowardly, and destroyed Bryn’s fragile beauty with the truth.
“As much as I wish things were different… that we’d met sooner or later… I’m not suitable for you.”
“Vivian, that’s not true?—”
“Please,” Vivian asked softly, and Bryn slammed her mouth shut. “Believe me, believe that I wish this wasn’t true. But you’re looking at everything with so much hope, and I’m staring at the truth of who I am. You are on the precipice of everything,” she said with simultaneous pride and regret. “You are bright and new and deserve to step into your future without the burden of a broken person holding you back. Infusing you with doubts and fears and cautionary tales because all I can see is the sewer while the surface still gleams gold for you.”
“I’m not an idiot, Vivian. I know what?—”
“I know you’re not,” she promised. “But I don’t want to tarnish anything for you. And let’s just be honest if we’re being honest. I’m nineteen years older than you, Bryn. Even if nothing else, that’s insurmountable.”
“Says who?” The blue in Bryn’s eyes was defiant resistance. “Who decides that?”
“It’s a lifetime, Bryn. I will always be a lifetime ahead of you. There’s no bridging a gap like that.”
“Okay, great. We’re a few years apart. Tell me why it matters,” Bryn challenged. “Tell me in real practical terms why it actually matters. And I’m telling you right now, I don’t want to hear a word about your appearance changing or I’ll run right out of here and you’ll?—”
“I’m going to die well before you,” Vivian replied with the painful facts. “We won’t have golden years together, even if there weren’t a hundred other reasons we don’t work. I’m nearly fifty. You’re still climbing toward the peak of your life, your career, and I’m already looking at base camp on the other side. We are only at the same place at the same time in this briefest moment. But we can’t pretend that it will stay this way. It can’t.” She begged Bryn to hear her. “You deserve someone who can climb alongside you. Who can give you a family and partnership. Who isn’t too old. Too damaged. Who can give you back every ounce of the light you bring rather than swallow it whole. I don’t even know how to talk about my feelings the way you do. How to be so…open. That counts for a lot.” She choked down a small sob. “I would never forgive myself for taking your best years when you could have given them to the person who can stay by your side after you’ve grown oldtogether.”
