All of her bags were packed when the knock came at her door. She’d changed into jeans and a sweater but hadn’t lost time washing the shit off her hair and face. Caught between Taylor and del Castillo, she just needed to get the hell home.
She opened the door, expecting to find the porter waiting to take her luggage down to the car that would spirit her to the airport. Instead, she found Bryn with her jacket folded over her arm, and her shirt untucked, and her devastated expression.
“Vivian,” she said, voice full of spider cracks that shattered the ice protecting Vivian’s heart. “What are you doing?” She looked at the bags. “Why are you leaving?”
Jaw snapping open and closed, Vivian didn’t know how to respond.
“Ms. del Castillo?” A young man in a branded polo appeared behind Bryn with a luggage cart. “I’m here for your things.”
“Thank you,” Vivian managed. “Yes. Here?—”
“No,” Bryn snapped. “What the hell are you doing? You can’t leave.”
“Bryn—”
“I’ll come back,” the porter said, practiced in the art of disappearing.
“No.” Vivian rolled one massive suitcase into the hallway and then the other. “Please, take these. I’ll be down in a minute.”
“Vivian.” Bryn moved out of the way so the man could take the bags. “You can’t leave,” she repeated, despite being obviously wrong. Not onlycouldVivian leave, but she’d be home before sunrise.
“Let’s talk inside,” Vivian said when the cart was squeaking its way down the hall.
“Are you mad because I froze?” Bryn asked when the door closed behind her, eyes wide and bottom lip trembling. “If I embarrassed you?—”
“Bryn, no.” Vivian took both of Bryn’s hands in hers. “I’m so fucking proud of you. You have no idea?—”
“Then give me an idea,” Bryn pleaded. “Did something happen at the awards?” She was so frantic. So desperate for the truth, it felt cruel to keep it from her. Even if all Vivian had tried to do was end things cleanly.
“Absolutely not. Nothing to do with the awards?—”
“But there is something. Since this morning you’ve been so distant. So… I don’t know… unlike yourself. So cold and closed off.”
Vivian might have laughed if she wasn’t fighting every urge to cry. In her life, no one had ever accused her of uncharacteristic standoffishness. Her ex-partner might have rolled on the actual floor in hysterics at the reversal.
“I know, and I’m?—”
“You know?” Bryn searched Vivian’s blank face for answers. “Then why did you tell me nothing was wrong earlier? What did I do?”
The question was a hard, cold slap across the face. Vivian let go of Bryn’s hands, but only because she feared what she might do if she continued touching her. Feared that she’d be too weak to protect Bryn from herself.
“You didn’t do anything,” Vivian promised.
Bryn wiped away tears like she was angry they’d shown up. “Then just tell me what’s wrong,” she begged. “Because right now all you’re leaving me with is this—this—this feeling like you got what you wanted from me and now you’re leaving without even saying goodbye.” Her voice cracked like a baseball bat slamming into Vivian’s unprepared knees. “Like you used me.”
“Oh my God, Bryn.” Vivian rushed forward and clutched Bryn hard against her chest. “That’s not it at all. I’m so sorry if—thatI made you feel that way.” The tears came and she didn’t stop to catch them. “I’m so sorry, I would never?—”
“You did.”
“I’m sorry,” she promised, hugging Bryn hard enough to snap her in half. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
Bryn relaxed against her, and when neither of them was crying anymore Vivian led them to sit at the edge of the bed.
“I am sorry,” Vivian said again, but the more she used the term, the more inadequate it became. “This time we’ve spent together. With you…” She dropped her gaze to her hands clenched in her lap. “It’s been the most beautiful experience of my life.”
She wanted to laugh, bitter and dry, because it was the most pathetic admission she’d ever uttered. But everything made her eyes water. Made her chest heave. Made her want to tear out her own heart so she didn’t have to keep feeling everything so fucking much that it was excruciating. A cruel way to learn how much easier it had been when everything was distant and muted.
“Why are you saying it like that?” Bryn’s voice couldn’t stop breaking, and neither could Vivian’s heart. “It’s… I’m…Weare not something happening outside of you.” She wiped her eyes again, obviously frustrated. “We spent this time together. It’s not something you can compartmentalize. That you can just leave here. That you can discard. You lived this.Welived it. And Vivian, it doesn’t have to end.”
