My voice trembles as I say the words. “Shameful. Disappointment. Embarrassment.”
“What else?”
Tears are streaming down my face. “He kept asking over and over how I could be such a disgrace by defiling Aiden like that, and what did he possibly do to deserve such a disgusting son?”
“Oh, Jay,” she says softly. “I’m so sorry. Let’s look at the truth of those things, okay?”
I nod.
“What do you know to be true?”
“That there’s nothing wrong with who I am and who I love.”
“And what do you know to be true about the relationship you had with Aiden?”
I close my eyes and remember how I felt about him when I was seventeen.
“We were in love. He was everything to me.”
“And you know there is nothing shameful or disgusting about that,” she says. “Your love was beautiful and something to celebrate.”
I take a shaky breath. “I had this lingering doubt in the back of my mind for so long that maybe Aiden wasn’t really gay, and that I did something that caused him to make that choice.”
“Let’s talk that through. Do you still think that?”
I shake my head. “No, I mean not anymore. Of course, I know that’s not how it works. It’s just… I think what my dad said planted that idea in my head, and I couldn’t let it go.”
“That’s why it’s important to bring these things out into the open so you can work through those misbeliefs. We’ve talkedabout the loss of your relationship with your dad before, but does this bring up anything for you that feels different?”
I think about that. “I’m glad I don’t have that negativity in my life anymore. But I miss my dad for who he was before. From what my mom told me, he faced his own struggles, and I hope he’s been able to work through them.”
Cynthia smiles. “It’s good that you can recognize that. Just remember, no matter what issues your dad might have been dealing with himself, it doesn’t excuse how he treated you. There’s no justification for the cruel things he said.”
I nod, allowing myself to let that sink in. If I ever have kids, I’ll do everything I can to never make them feel like that.
“You’ve put in a lot of hard work, Jay. This isn’t easy. Is there anything else you want to talk about today?” she asks.
I guess it’s time to bring up what’s weighing heaviest on my mind.
“How long do you think it will be before I’m ready for a relationship?” I ask.
Her eyebrows raise. “That’s a loaded question, and one you’ll only be able to answer for yourself. I’m not here to give you permission on what you do with your life. You need to trust yourself to know when you’re ready.”
“That’s what I was afraid of.”
“Is this about Aiden?”
“Yes, of course it is,” I say, a bit sarcastically. It’s not like we haven’t talked about him a thousand times. “My feelings for him are such a mixed bag. I’ve never stopped loving him, but he’s lived a life without me for fourteen years, and the unknown terrifies me.”
“What are you afraid of?”
I rub my hands down my face. “I’ve told you what he does for a living. He’s been with I don’t know how many guys, and I don’t know how I can measure up. I’m nothing special.”
Cynthia taps her fingers on her tablet. “Do you really think that’s true? That you’re nothing special to Aiden?”
I’m a bit stunned by that question. “Well, I mean, we’re best friends, and I know he cares about me, but that doesn’t mean he wants anything serious with me long-term. Plus, it’s complicated. He lives in New York, and I live here. He’s starting a business and working toward his goals.”
“I can see how those things would make it difficult, but not impossible,” she says. “But what are you truly afraid of?”
