“Well, they both just started back in school. James likes Buffalo and has a girlfriend. I’ve only met her once, but she seems sweet. Luke is still living at home and is in his third year at Bible school. I don’t see him much, though; he’s very busy with church responsibilities.”
“That’s great,” I say. “What about you?”
“Oh, you know me. I’m still overseeing the women’s ministry and leading Bible studies. We have a retreat that my team is planning for the spring. And of course, there’s the food bank, and I help in the school office three days a week.”
“That sounds like a lot. Do you ever do anything just for yourself?”
She pauses. I’ve never asked her anything like that before. “Well… I knit, mostly baby blankets. We always have a few pregnant women in the church, and there are baby showers to plan. I also read for the book club I’m hosting. It’s a great way to connect with new women.”
I’m exhausted just hearing about all she does, and none of it seems like it’s just for her. “That doesn’t sound like that’s for you, though.”
“Of course it’s for me,” she says, sounding a little irritated. “I enjoy doing all of those things. And it’s my job to serve our community, and I happily do it. Where’s this coming from?”
I take a deep breath. “Mom, we haven’t talked about this before, but I get the feeling there might be things in your life that aren’t easy for you. And I want you to know that I’m here if you ever need to talk.”
I hear her breath catch, and a sniffle on the other end of the line. She takes a moment to respond. “Thank you. And you’d be right. My life isn’t always easy. But I don’t want to burden you with that.”
“It wouldn’t be a burden. I want to help you. How about this? Tell me one thing that makes you unhappy.”
She stays quiet for a few moments, with only sniffles breaking the silence. “I’m lonely,” she finally says, then goes quiet again. “I’m surrounded by people all the time, but I don’t have anyone I can truly confide in. I used to have that, and I miss it.”
That breaks my heart. I know she’s talking about Ronda. I consider telling her about Jay, seeing Ronda again, and our conversations, but I have a feeling this isn’t the right time.
“I’m sorry, Mom. Is there anything I can do?”
“You’re doing it,” she replies. “Thank you for asking me. I don’t think I’m ready to tell you anymore, but this has meant more than you can know.”
“Can I ask you one more question?”
“Of course.”
“Why do we have to schedule our calls?”
It’s so quiet, I almost think the line has gone dead.
“Mom?”
I hear a shaky breath before she speaks. “The phone I use with you is not my regular phone. I keep it hidden in my closet, turned off, and I only check it every few days. I only call you when I know I’ll be alone.”
I’m completely baffled. I figured my father wouldn’t want her talking with me, but I didn’t realize she had to be so secretive about it.
“Why?”
“I’m not ready to tell you that. And I know you’re going to ask again about seeing James and Luke because you always ask. I’m just going to say, I want you to see them. I really do. But right now isn’t a good time. Your father is gearing up for a big campaign, and I’m worried about what that could mean for you.”
This is the first time she’s mentioned my father to me in years. We usually avoid talking about him. If she’s bringing him up now, she’s serious. It scares me to think about what that might mean for her and my brothers.
“I don’t like it, but I’ll let it go for now.”
“Thank you. I need to go,” she says.
We say our goodbyes, and I lean my head back on the couch, taking deep breaths—the weight of what she revealed sinking in.I’ve always known my father was controlling. I experienced it throughout my childhood. But I didn’t realize how much that affected my mom. I heard the anxiety in her voice, and I worry about what she’s hiding. Maybe someday I’ll know the truth.
Chapter 15
Jay
The contractor I hired finished the repairs on my house, and it’s finally on the market. There were fewer items worth keeping than I had expected. Most of the furniture that Ray left behind was cheap, and with my favorite chair ruined, everything that mattered fit into a small storage unit. The realtor found someone to take the rest of the furniture, and she arranged for a cleaner to make the place move-in ready for showings.
