I nodded. “Okay.”
“You want to tell me what’s bothering you now?”
I sighed. “It’s Ethan’s birthday today. I’ve been in the bed most of the day expecting to be sad and battling depression. But it hasn’t happened. I feel so empty, and that scares me. Like why aren’t I sad when I think about him? Why don’t I feel bad anymore that I’m here and he’s not? It feels like I’m broken or that something inside of me is missing, and that scares and saddens me even more.”
“You don’t have to be afraid, Sevyn. Maybe that part of you is just shutting down in self- preservation, or maybe you’re finally healing from losing him and suffering from all that he did to you.”
“Maybe,” I replied, tugging on my bottom lip. “When I first realized that my husband died after I came out of the coma, it hurt so badly that I could barely breathe. I remember most days I wondered if I would ever feel anything that resembled normal. I wondered if I would ever be able to discuss him or think about him without feeling that endless depth of pain. Unfortunately, I don’t feel it now, but I feel nothing. I’m numb, and that worries me because what if I’ve just shut the pain down temporarily, and it comes back one day and strangles the life out of me?”
I pulled my feet up on the chair with me and picked at my toenail polish. I knew what I confessed made me sound like a horrible person, and I waited for his judgment. But when none came, I looked up and stared into his eyes.
“You still love him?”
“I do. But I don’t love all that we went through and all I allowed him to take me through. I feel like I can finally breathe. But it shouldn’t have taken his death for me to feel this freedom. I should have left a long time ago when I realized that he couldn’t love or respect me the way that I deserve to be.
“I think that’s why I asked if you still loved her. I don’t want to come second to any woman in your life, Deuce. When you feel like you’re always competing, it makes it hard for you to give your best. I just want to love and be loved without being compared. You feel me?”
“Oh, I definitely do.”
“Do you ever worry about being my rebound?”
“No. Am I?”
“No, Deuce. Am I?”
“Of course not, Sevyn. I just was happy to stumble across your path.”
“Why won’t you say her name? The woman you loved and lost.”
He stared at me for several long seconds, and then he exhaled loudly.
“It’s just easier that way.”
“To forget her or to preserve her memory?”
“I don’t know, it’s just easier. But either way, it’s not important. That is my past, and I’m looking forward to my future, one that I hope to have with you.”
“What kind of future could you have with me, considering that I still don’t have a full memory? Hell, I’m not sure if I would be able to bear you any children if you wanted them.”
“I don’t care about that. I just want to be with you. I’ll enjoy the time that I have with you, and we can build a future together. I just want the opportunity to love you, Sevyn.”
“How can you when I killed someone? I don’t deserve to be loved.”
Deuce grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the chair. He led me down past the lower deck in the yard to a spot in the yard where we lay down.
“What are we doing?”
“We’re going to look at the stars.”
Deuce held my right hand, and he lifted his right hand to the sky. “Now, I don’t know their names, and I can’t pretend that I’m an astrologer. But you see how bright that one shines?”
I leaned in closer so that I could see the one he pointed to. “Yes.”
“That’s how bright your future is, and I want to be part of that.”
My heart tripped in my chest, and Deuce pushed up on his elbow. He looked down at me and kissed my face, making me realize that I was crying. When he finished, he kissed my lips sweetly and slowly.
“Well, your future seems very bright, too, Detective Fullwood.”
