My hands were shoved in my pockets as I stared down at her. I didn’t want to touch her, not because I was afraid. I had touched plenty of dead people in my career. It was because I worried that when I did, she wouldn’t open her eyes and speak to me the way she always had in the past.
She wouldn’t wake up and smile at me, as she held her arms up for me to pull her into mine. Her eyes would remain closed, and the finality of that would break me.
But after several minutes of staring at her and talking about nothing in particular, I reached out and stroked her hair. My hand gradually moved to caress her cheek. She wasn’t cold yet,but the warmth that remained wasn’t the same warmth that generally radiated from her when I touched her.
“I should’ve been there with you. I swear that he’s going to pay for what he did to you. If it takes every breath in my body, I will vindicate you and Rohan.”
I shook my head as I stretched my hand forward and rested it on her belly. That was when the tears came, because I knew that the life that had once been there was gone, along with Lena’s. Rohan, the son we were expecting, was no more.
It took minutes before I calmed down. I leaned forward, pressed my lips against her cooler ones, and kissed her one final time. I broke down crying again as I laid my head on her chest. No heartbeat, no warm breath, nothing.
“Oh, Lena.” I sobbed softly in the room, unable to express my love for her amongst my peers.
I heard voices in the hallway, and I forced myself off her and wiped my tears. Three deep inhales and long exhales were all I needed to gather my composure.
I pressed a kiss to my fingertips and then to her lips. “Goodbye, sweet Lena.”
I stepped out into the hallway as Lieutenant Edwards, the surgeon, and Mrs. Jones stepped up to the door. Not bothering to say anything, I rushed past them and back to the lobby. My fellow officers were stunned, and some were even crying, men and women alike.
“I’m sorry, Fullwood,” Officer Cal Bell stated, gripping my shoulder.
“My condolences, Deuce,” Officer Nona Black professed, grabbing my hand.
There were several other responses similar to that one, and I became numb against the well wishes and offers of sympathy.
I didn’t want to hear any of that. No one knew how deep my pain ran. They wouldn’t begin to understand that losing Lenawas much more than losing a partner. I had lost my best friend, my lover, and my first love.
The cold wind hit me like a blast in the face. I walked past my truck that was still double parked at the entrance of the ER. I walked past the dozens of other police cars congregated outside, some with officers and others not.
I walked past the emergency vehicles and visitor cars that came and went, and kept walking until I was off the hospital campus and on the main road. I had no idea where I was going nor how I would get back to my vehicle. Truthfully, I didn’t give a shit.
I walked and walked until the medical complex turned into a business complex and that turned into a shopping area and that became an area full of restaurants. I walked until the rain turned from a light sprinkle to a downright pour. In my mind, I replayed our last conversation over and over. I had no idea that it would be my last. I racked my brain, and I wondered if I had told her that I loved her. I had, and she had told me the same.
I looked up and realized that I was several blocks from the hospital, but only five minutes by car. My home wasn’t that far either. I was closer to my house than I was the hospital. I would walk the last six blocks until I reached my neighborhood and go back to get my truck in the morning.
In a daze, I stepped out into the street. I heard the screech of tires and a horn blowing. I didn’t care. Maybe I could be taken away, too, and I would never feel the full impact of losing them. Maybe if I were killed, I could avoid the pain of devastating, soul crushing grief. I was afraid to face the days, weeks, and months to come without Lena.
But the moment that I looked into that woman’s eyes staring at me through the windshield, I couldn’t do that to a stranger. She didn’t need my death on her hands. I jumped back, but thecar was already spinning into the opposite lane in the path of an oncoming truck.
The truck was moving too fast for it to be able to brake in time, and the car couldn’t steer out of the way fast enough. My heart squeezed as I watched the Mack truck slam into the car and spin it around several times before it faced oncoming traffic again.
I rushed to the middle of the road to see if I could assist, while pulling my phone from my pocket to call the accident in. I wouldn’t leave the scene but would remain there until help arrived.
No sooner than I was able to get inside of the car, I knew the man was dead, but there might be hope for the woman yet. One night. Two dead. All because of my actions.
SIX DAYS LATER
“How are you holding up, man?”Micah Simmons asked.
I glared at him from behind the sunglasses that I wore to block out the sun. The day that Lena died, it rained all evening and all night. I hated that it chose to be a beautiful day today when I was closing a chapter of my life. I felt like the world was ending, but today surely didn’t reflect that.
“I’m not,” I mumbled.
“What?”
“I’m hanging in here, dude,” I replied only slightly louder. People offered platitudes, but they weren’t ready to hear the truth.
He nodded as though he understood that. “We’ve all been praying for you. We’ve got your back. You coming back any time soon?”
