“Okay, this has nothing to do with you. I didn’t tell you my problems because youhateme and couldn’t care less.” He reasons, and I get where he’s coming from.
“I don’thate you,hate you.” I excuse myself, and he levels me with a look. “Okay, maybe when we were younger, but now I justlike youhate you.” I shift in my seat, visibly uncomfortable from all my honesty. “I wouldn’t be fake-dating you if Ireallyhated you.” I bite the inside of my cheek.
He sighs and avoids my eyes, surely trying to get something out.
“My parents split up for a year when I was nine. Mom even moved back to England and stayed at my uncle’s.” He reveals, and my stomach twists.
“What? Really?” My head whips in his direction, in shock.Emily and Joey?
“Yeah, uh, and then they got back together and I-I don’t know, felt like I had to be a reckless joker to avoid them splitting up again?” He looks down, defeated as I have ever seen him.
He’s never like this. But I don’t dislike it. I find it charming, actually. Raw andreal. No bullshit smiles and jokes to divert the question.
“It doesn’t make sense.” He covers his face and rubs it. “I really ruined the mood-”
“No, no, let us be somber for a second.” I stop him, and he looks shocked. “It does make sense. If you were reckless and did stupid things, then they would have to worry about you and not their marriage. And if you joked around all the time, you would lighten the mood.” Pause. “Not giving time for bad emotions to appear.”
He drops his hands, kind of perplexed.
“Exactly…”
A small smile forms on my lips, and my eyes turn truthful.
“My problems aren’t bigger than yours. They’re different, but deserve as much attention as yours.”
He narrows his eyes at me, and his mouth is already tilting up.
“Brown, are you being nice to me?”
“I’m just saying, I’m a good listener. Besides, it’s not fair for you to know my weaknesses and for me not to know about yours.”
“Ah, so this is strategic…” He teases, and my mouth drops open.
“No! I would never use that against you, you know that!”
He laughs, and my ears feel like they’re levitating from the sound.
“I know. When that vein in your neck is not about to pop out when you talk to me, you can actually be a decent human being. With a heart.”
“Okay, funny guy, enough.”
“And you’re allowed to feel good.” He glances at me intently, which makes me stare at my hands in my lap.
“I feel good.” Which makes a knot start to form at the back of my throat.
“What are you thinking about?” He asks quietly, and I try to push down my emotions.
“People kicking puppies.” My eyes start to water, and he lightly smiles.
We stand in silence for what feels like an eternity, and I decide to get closer to the edge of the tower, to really take in the last rays of sun touching the green, untouched lands surrounding the town. About two minutes in, Jake joins me.
Stop thinking about crying.Be strong.
“Do you feel better?” He nudges me.
“Yeah.” My mouth twists, and I try not to break.
In this moment, I have so many questions, questions that for years were pushed back to the vault in my mind, but why is the vault fragile now? Why aroundhim?
