“No- It’s just, he’s actually nice, Mads.”
“Oooh, your attachment issues are issuing a fight or flight response. Listen, Alls, truth is, three weeks ago I would probably play along and convince you to leave him, but if he’s a good thing, why would you not want him in your life?”
She sits down on the bed and looks me straight in the eye, shrugging.
“I could say the same about you.”
“Jake- I mean,Westis different. I’m the thrill of the chase, and once Amanda is begging him to come back, he won’t give me a second thought.” I shrug, my heart feeling like it took a punch.
“I don’t know Mads. I’ve always seen the way he looks at you. And it’s like you’re in this self-preservation bubble that’s destroying you from the inside out. It’s like it’s rooted in you that you can’t be happy. And maybe you’re right. Maybe Jake is just an adrenaline junkie who likes what he can’t have, but I have a feeling that it’s different with you. And I think deep down you know that too, and it scares the shit out of you. Just because your mom didn’t choose you, it doesn’t mean others won’t.”
Now that was a blow. I know she didn’t mean it like that, but I still feel like shit after that last sentence.
“Thanks, Alls.”
She frowns and gets up.
“Mads, that’s not what I meant to say-”
“But you did. I’m late, see you tonight.”
And I get out of my room.
Each step that rocks our old wooden floors only intensifies the panic and anxiety inside me. Everything turns muffled, and only when I come into the kitchen, without me expecting it to, does it turn okay again.
Jake steps into our kitchen as soon as I step in.
“Good evening, neighbors!” Jake greets cheerfully.
I look at him, and comeon, could that boybe any morehandsome? It’s not like he is suited up or anything, and that makes it worse. Those cargo shorts and that white shirt with the top two buttons,unbuttoned, aren’t that impressive, but still, I’m trying not to blush intensely. And his messy hair is still wet,and a few strands are falling onto his face. I mean, god! Was that really necessary?
It’s like I’m experiencing this turmoil of emotions right now, and I’m too confused to get out words. Look at your family and wait for him to say something.
“Mr. B, if you don’t mind, I’m here to take my blushing girl here to a surprise date.”
“I don’t mind. At all. She keeps saying she hates surprises but keeps having men in her life who love to make them…”
I look at my dad truly this time, and not to distract myself from… People. He’s smiling and-Are his eyes twinkling?Why is he so emotional, and why can’t I regulate my emotions like him? In a healthy way?
“Dad?”
“Yeah?” He responds, looking at me with the most endearing look I’ve ever seen. Like every time I talk about how much I liked a book, or the first time we went to the annual fair without the she-devil and he, my sister and I had so much fun. Or when I danced with him in the kitchen, on top of his feet, because I was really small and couldn’t reach him. All those memories rushed and are confined in one look.
“You okay?”
“I’m just really happy seeing you get out of your hard shell. I’m glad you’re letting the world see the beautiful girl you’ve always been.Insideand out,andI’m ruining the mood like an old man who has no life.” He jokes, and I shake my head.
“Well, everything good in me is thanks to you, old man, so thanks.”
He opens his arms, and I go for a quick hug, and I have to admit, these hugs my dad gives kind of made me forget every worry that haunted my mind seconds ago. But I can’t be attached to my dad forever, unfortunately. He’s like a dream catcher that captures all my nightmares.
I get out of my dad’s arms and walk slowly toward Jake, avoiding his eyes like the brave person I am.
“John, I wish to become half the man you are.” Jake points to my dad, like the suck-up he is, while opening the kitchen door.
“Yeah, yeah, you just wanna distract me from the fact you’re gonna be alone with my daughter for three hours.” My dad raises an eyebrow, and my face morphs into disgust.
“Dad!”
