“Allergies.” I justify, hopefully convincingly. “What did Amanda want?” I ask.
“She was…” He looks behind and then back at me. “Begging to come back.”
“What you wanted, right?” I fake a smile, and he looks down, and then confusion crosses his face.
“Yeah, but last night-”
“Was a mistake.” I complete, and it’s like I just put up a barrier between us. “Us kissing was…” I prepare myself for the blow. “A mistake.” I let out, helpless. Something flashes in his eyes, but I’m too heartbroken to decode it. “I was high on adrenaline, and it was the last thing on the list, so you’re officially released from your duties.” I glance down, and he looks back at where he stood with Amanda and back to me.
“But before Coleman, you were saying something like I lo-”
“I loved that we jumped.” I take a deep breath in. “Closure, you know.” Except this is somehow the opposite of it. “She’s waiting for you.”
“Right.” He looks conflicted, and that kills me.
“I guess I’ll be seeing you, West.” I start walking backwards, and he watches me. “Later, for the talent show.”
“See ya, Brown.”
I turn around and the faucet to my waterworks breaks. Tears immediately start streaming down my face, and I start walking faster and faster.
I can’t come back home. They’ll start questioning everything. So I go to my comfort landscape, just a few roads ahead, where nothing but grass and trees will surround me. I text my dad quickly, telling him I’m going on a stroll.
When I get there, I choose my favorite tree, sit against it, and just let it all out. But still in the quiet and away from all civilization, I can’t bear to cry out loud. I’m too used to crying silently, which somehow hurts more. It’s like I want to get everything out, but never can,no matter how hard I try.
I let my tears fall and stain my clothes until I feel like I’ve exhausted every single tear out of me. After this emotional discharge, I could never cry again, especially in the next few weeks, right?
…Wrong.
37
Trying Not To Butcher Elton John
After a while of doing nothing but crying, I decided to go check out the fair’s tents. Many people are hanging decorations to make their tents stand out, to make them different from the others. Tiny lights are hanging above me. I say hello to a lot of people when I see something that catches my attention.
Trent Gorben is dragging Amanda somewhere, but for the first time in my life, she doesn’t seem very excited. She almost seemsscared. Feeling like that shouldn’t be happening, I walk fast to the back of one of the houses and peek at the scene.
“Trent, I don’t really want to do this right now.” She backs away, her face backed up against the wall.
“Of course you want to!” He starts to kiss her face, but she backs away.
“I said no.” She firmly says.
“Come on, you know you want to.” He backs her up against the wall, and her face shows panic.
I have to go there right now. My dislike for Amanda fades, and I walk even angrier to them.
“Amanda! There you are! I was looking for you.” I say with a fake smile.
They abruptly stop, and she looks at me, relief on her face.
“You’ve got to be shitting me… Since when are you friends?” He spits, irritated by the interruption.
“Since cowards like you exist.” And I smile, scrunching my nose ironically.
“Get out of here, Brown.” He already forgot about Amanda, and he’s walking over.
“No.” I get out as boldly as I can, knowing damn well I’m dying inside.
