There’s No Going Back
You know, when you do something so exhilarating, you black out, and it’s just a distant memory. That’s what happens when my nerves consume me while Jake fast paces into his house to grab his bike and our helmets, when I get on top of it, and he makes us fly through the roads of Mailview. This time, I just assume, I’m holding onto him instead of the seat, and halfway to the beach, I lose all sense of myself and just spread my arms, feeling the wind touching my skin, my hair flying around the helmet, and my heart beating and syncing with the engine.
So intense I can’t even feel it anymore.
When we get to the beach, he stops the bike, lazily parked somewhere, because no one comes to the beach at night.
He leaves the jacket on top of it and takes his shoes off, and I remind myself to do the same. We take them out as quickly as possible, as if we slow down, we actually realize what we’redoing. He loosens his tie, and I have to hold myself back from kissing him.
We lock eyes and just nod.
I start slowly running to the board, and he comes after me.
When we reach it, and as I’m climbing the first step, it hits me.
“This dress was really expensive, Aunt Lori is gonna kill me if I ruin it.” I look down at it, hesitation threatening to creep in, and Jake agrees.
“Yeah, this tux too.”
I glance at him and think,fuck it.
I slip off the dress, leaving me in my bra and briefs. I lay my dress against a chair nearby, and when I come back, Jake is shamelessly staring me down. When he finds my eyes, he doesn’t leave them. Not when unbuttoning his shirt, opening it, and throwing it at the sand. This time, I stare shamelessly. Something about him, bare-chested under the moonlight, is doing something to my insides. He takes off his pants, and he’s wearing large briefs, as if he were wearing trunks.
It’s like we’re wearing bathing suits,keep it together.
But it’s not, and we both know that.
I take initiative and start climbing the steps before I lose sight of what I came here to do in the first place.
“Stop staring at my butt!” I shout without thinking, knowing him all too well.
“Oh come on, it’s right here, it’s impossible not to!” He shouts behind me and makes me roll my eyes.
You can do this; you are not going to die. Older kids do this every summer. You can do this. It’s like a mantra, safekeeping me in my head. I just have to dive correctly.
I finally reach the top, and he’s right after me.
Only the street lights from afar light up the beach around us and some of the water, but the water… It’s black. Dark. Scary.
Oh my god,what was I thinking?
“Mads?” My heart skips a beat at hearing my name coming fromhim. “You’re not getting hurt. Not on my watch.” He extends his hand, and I scrutinize it. Every edge, every scarp, every curve, until I take it, in one big breath.
“Do you trust me?”
“Yes.”
He remains facing me and makes us walk towards the end of the board.
“You want to do this?” He gazes deep into my eyes, and before my brain can interject, my heart does.
“Yes. Now or never, right?”
Which is stupid because I could just enter the stupid contest like a normal person. But love makes you do crazy things. I finally get it.
He nods. We inch to the very edge until we’re almost touching it.
“One.” He counts, and I take a deep breath.
