The kiss ends as naturally as it began, our foreheads pressing close as our breathing returns to normal. And when my heartbeat finally calms, I swear I hear these words in everythud thump.
He’s safe. He’s safe. He’s safe. He’s safe.
And I try to keep out the negative, I swear I do, but my mental barriers aren’t strong enough to protect this perfect moment. When Wes murmurs, “You don’t know how long I’ve been wanting to do that,” with his hand still cupping the back of my head and his other still stroking my knee, the floodgates open, and my mind starts racing as quickly as my heart.
Everything seems too much all of a sudden. The forum. The kiss. His words. My baggage. I crash back down to reality and pull away from him, detaching myself and swinging my legs over the side of the bed. I’d retreat to the bathroom, but I don’t want to risk running into my roommates, so I settle for standing in the middle of the room, shifting from foot to foot. I open my mouth to speak, but my heart’s in my throat, compressing my vocal cords and hindering my ability to form words.
Wes remains motionless in the spot I left him, alarm behind his eyes and anxiety evident only in the tight line of his mouth. “What just happened there, Ivy?” he asks carefully. “Talk to me.”
Through my panic and confusion, I somehow find my voice again, though it comes out a little shriller than intended. “What are we doing?”
“We’re hanging out,” he says. “Like we always do.”
I shake my head a bit frantically because it’snotlike we always do. It’s way, way different than what we always do. “Then what—what was that?”
“That was me kissing you,” he says calmly. Matter-of-factly. Like he goes around kissing me every day. I blink at him. “Did you like it?”
“It doesn’t matter if I liked it. I’m not—we shouldn’t do that,” I tell him, because we shouldn’t, right? It will complicate everything, won’t it?
"So youdidn’tlike it?”
I blow out a short breath. “No. Yes. Okay. I liked it. But?—”
“I liked it,” he says, his mouth twitching up at the corner.
“Well. Good, I guess. That’s good. I’m?—”
“I really liked it.”
“Wes—I just—” I swallow, trying to put my thoughts into words. “I liked it. I just don’t think I’m in a place for that.”
“For kissing?”
"For…any of it,” I say, ignoring the way my heart squeezes in protest. I really did like the kissing. Loved it, even. But kissing leads to other things I know for a fact I’m not ready for. Expectations, emotionalandphysical. “For all of it.”
“So you definitely don’t want to do it again?”
“I didn’t say that, exactly. It’s more that I can’t do it again. I’m not—I can’t—I’m?—”
I shake my hands out, frustrated I can’t find the words. I swallow as panic swells inside me for the second time today. I feel overwhelmed by his declarations and anxious that I can’t figure out the right thing to say, the right thing to do. My breath starts coming in short pants as my vision darkens around the edges.
Wes hops off the bed and approaches me. When I don’t jump away, his hands settle on my shoulders, squeezing them gently. “Shh, Ivy. It’s okay. Everything’s okay. Take a breath.” I inhale.I exhale. I repeat the two. “That’s it. Keep breathing. Just like that.”
I shut my eyes, focusing on getting air to my lungs. When breathing comes easy again, I open them to find Wes watching me with concern.
“Better?” he asks. I nod, and he squeezes my shoulders lightly. His eyes search mine, and when he speaks again, his voice is soft. Tender. “I’m not trying to pressure you into anything, Ivy. I would never do that.”
“If you’re looking for sex or a hookup, you should search for it somewhere else,” I rush out, hating the way those words sound but knowing they needed to be said.
He doesn’t even blink. “Who says I need sex? That’s what masturbating is for.”
I nearly choke. “Wes?—”
“I’m serious!” he says, shrugging his shoulders. “I don’t want sex with some random girl.”
“Ben told me you used to hook up witha lotof random girls.”
“Remind me to thank him for that later,” he says drily. “I mean, yeah. Freshman year. That was ages ago. At this point, I don’t even remember my last casual hookup.”
