I’m sorry I’m not normal.
I’m sorry I’m making you wait.
This time when I open my mouth, something crazy happens. The apology dies on my lips and evaporates into thin air. Wes isn’t going anywhere, he’s assured me of that, despite knowingmy faults, my flaws, my shadows. He accepts me the way I am—lovesme the way I am—and though it’s hard to wrap my head around, he wouldn’t be lying beside me right now if he didn’t.
The thought warms my heart, and the fist in my chest unclenches. The guilt dissolves along with the fear of losing him. Maybe it’s our newfound “official” status giving me confidence or the work I’m doing in therapy actually paying off, but somehow, I silence that dark, twisted voice in my head telling me I’m not enough. I reframe my thoughts, rebalance my emotions, and give myself some grace.
It’s okay to not be ready.
I’m making strides every day, and this right here is a monumental one.
“Everything’s okay,” I tell him, and I mean it. “I love you.”
“I love you too, Ives,” he mumbles, his arms tightening around me. “More than you know.”
His words wrap around me like a blanket, and I realize something. I can trust in Wes all I want, but if I don’t put that same faith in myself, then what’s the point? All these months I’ve been trapped in a shame spiral, self-loathing making it impossible to put faith inus.I need to be kind to myself. I need to forgive myself. But most of all, I need to learn to love myself.
The good news is, I think I’m starting to.
I’m finally starting to.
Graduation day is herebefore we know it. Sitting high in the bleachers with Wes’s family, I watch as the graduating seniors start to process into the stadium, all of them dressed in their black and blue caps and gowns. As the seats start filling upand we near the back of the alphabet, I search the line up for signs of Wes’s imposing stature.
“Oh, there he is,” Audrey says, nudging my shoulder, and we start waving our hands in the air to draw his attention. Wes spots us and waves back, his broad smile evident even from this far away. Audrey bounces Leo on her lap and points across the stadium. “Do you see your Uncle Wes, Leo? He’s waving at us. Wave at Uncle Wes.”
Leo laughs, the name “Uncle Wes” bringing a smile to his face, and I grin as he waves his hands around. I knew that Wes’s nephew was adorable from all of the photos he showed me on his phone, but Leo is even cuter in person, his big blue eyes wide with excitement as they take in the festive surroundings.
Once all the graduates are seated in their chairs, the dean takes the stage to say a few words, followed by this year’s commencement speaker. By the time the students start walking across the stage to accept their diplomas, Leo’s fast asleep against Audrey’s chest, and I smile at his peaceful face, wondering how he can possibly nap through all the commotion.
When it’s almost Wes’s turn, Audrey passes Leo to her husband to free up her hands, and we jump to our feet as Wes’s name is called. On Micah’s other side, Wes’s parents do the same, all of us clapping and cheering, and we’re not the only ones. The guy’s beloved, after all, and around the room I spot other groups on their feet as Wes accepts his diploma and moves his tassel from right to left.
The rest of the ceremony moves quickly after that, and when it’s over, we inch our way out of the stadium to wait outside for the new grads.
My eyes roam the crowd…and freeze when they spot a familiar figure a few yards away. I stiffen, surprised to see Chloe’s short hair and delicate features as she stands with anolder couple. She looks different. Thinner. Paler. More fragile somehow.
I immediately excuse myself from Wes’s family and weave through the mass of people, heading in her direction. The tense set of her shoulders doesn’t go unnoticed, nor the way her eyes scan the faces around her almost as if she’s searching for something…searching for someone…
“Hey, Chloe,” I say, coming up beside her.
She jumps in surprise, and her eyes snap to mine, panicked, before her mouth cracks into a relieved smile. She gives a nervous laugh. “Oh. Hi, Ivy,” she says. “I was wondering if I’d see you.”
I raise my arms up uncertainly, relieved when she does the same, and we give each other a tentative hug. “It’s great to see you,” I tell her as we step back. “How have you been?”
She shrugs a shoulder. “Oh. You know. Fine.”
“You’re here for Ben, I assume?”
“Yeah. I came with his parents,” she says, gesturing to the couple on our left. Her eyes dart over my shoulder before settling back on mine.
“Are you looking for someone?” I ask her carefully.
“Oh. No. Not really.” Despite her words, her eyes keep flickering around. “I was just wondering if anyone else from spring break was going to be here.”
When her gaze settles back on mine, I try my best not to frown outright. “I’m sure Paul’s girlfriend is around here somewhere, but Cory and Jamie aren’t coming.” I hesitate before saying, “Neither is, um, Mason.”
I recognize the look on her face—one of all-consuming, breath-quaking relief—and my heart cracks straight down the middle. “Cool,” is all she says, and I don’t miss the way her shoulders ease down an inch.
“Cool,” is all I say back, hoping she doesn’t notice the way myown shoulders tighten.
