My cheeks warm with embarrassment, and it takes everything in me to make eye contact. No one wants to bethat girlat the party, and yet, here I am. “Better, thanks.”
“It’s happened to all of us, just so you know,” Kaden tells me. “Wes said you might be worried about that.”
I nod and accept the steaming mug Wes offers me. “Thanks. That’s good to know.”
“You should have seen Ben sophomore year.” Kaden launches into a story about Ben’s drunken antics, but I lose track of the conversation whenhesuddenly enters the kitchen. No warning. No signal. My body stiffens, my mind going blankexcept for the alarm bells blaring in every dark corner of my brain. My heart beats, my blood pumps, my breath stutters in time.
Current level of threat: Off the charts.
“Since when are you an early riser?” Wes asks Mason, coming up behind me. “Last I checked you sleep ‘til noon.”
As though sensing my anxiety, Wes wraps his arms around my front and rests his chin on top of my head. I wish I could melt into him the way I normally do, but I can’t. I pick a spot on the wall and stare at it because I sensehiseyes on me. On us. Amused. Calculating.
“Didn’t wanna miss out on the fun,” says Mason, and the coffee turns sour in my stomach. I want to throw up.
Eventually, I mutter something about the bathroom and slip away from the kitchen. My vision blurs, my heart pounding out of control as blood rushes in my ears. Standing at the sink, I count back from ten and will myself to wake up from this nightmare.
For the rest of the day, I avoid. I’m hyperconscious of every single person in every single room. I know what they’re drinking, saying, doing, and whenever Mason appears like a nightmare hovering at the edge of a dream, I duck and dodge. Retreat. Retract. I find a new home back in my old shell and stay out of sight…except when he’s with Wes.
When he’s with Wes, I hover like a ghost, observing from afar. They chat like old friends. Laugh effortlessly. Joke around like two people who have known each other since grade school.
And I can’t wrap my head around it.
I can’t fit the pieces together, because how can someone as kind and good as Wes associate with someone likehim—someone rotten inside and out? Every time Wes laughs at something Mason says, it feels like a knife slicing through my chest, deeper, deeper,deeper.
“—to play?”
My head snaps back as I realize someone’s speaking to me. Chloe. I attempt a smile. I’m pretty sure I fail. “S-sorry,” I tell her and wince as the word clanks between my teeth. I take a deep breath and try again. “What did you say?”
“We’re going to play a drinking game,” she repeats and laughs when I wrinkle my nose. The very thought of alcohol makes me physically ill. “We’ll make an exception for you if you want to play anyway.”
Before I have the chance to respond, Wes is at my side, slipping his arm over my shoulder. He gives it a light squeeze. “You wanna play, Ives? You can be on my team.”
“Hey, no pre-planning, Mr. ‘Always Has a System,’” says Kaden. “The teams have to be random.”
“Says who?” Wes asks, amused.
“Says me. I watched you two play Codenames. You’re freakishly linked. It’s an unfair advantage.”
Wes rolls his eyes and mumbles to me, “Sorry, I tried.”
I give him a weak smile, but the thought of potentially being stuck on a team withhimhas me pulling away, out of Wes’s grasp. He frowns at my withdrawal, and I don’t miss the concern swirling behind his eyes. When he opens his mouth, I know he’s going to ask me if I’m okay, and my words rush out before he can speak.
“Honestly, I’m wiped,” I blurt. “I might go to bed if that’s okay.”
He does an excellent job of masking his disappointment, but I glimpse it in the downward twitch of his mouth. In the slight sag of his shoulders. I hate that I’m letting him down—itkillsme—but I can’t be out here with Mason. I can’t.
“Are you sure?” Wes asks, checking in on me as always. “Do you need anything? Do you want me to come?”
“No, no, I’m okay,” I assure, guilt churning my stomach at his attentiveness. Even when I’ve let him down, he’s asking how he can help me. I don’t deserve it. “You stay here and have fun. I’m just tired. Thank you, thou?—”
I stop speaking as Mason enters the living room, Cory tailing him with cases of beer stacked in his arms. The air drains from my lungs. I struggle to take a breath, my entire body tensing up as Mason’s eyes single me out. For a moment I debate using Wes as a human shield, but that would be crazy, not to mention obvious.
My skin overheats. Every pore begins to sweat. Wes kisses my cheek, and it takes everything in me not to recoil. “Get some rest,” he murmurs. “I’ll be in later.”
I nod. Start to retreat. Mason’svoice stops me dead. “Not in the mood to play, Ivy?”
My name on his lips makes my stomach revolt. I shake my head, not trusting my voice to remain steady.
