The next two weeks pass.I go to class. I do my work. I hang out with Wes, and occasionally Quinn and Remy. I get a decent grade on my history exam, and Wes and I perform our persuasive speeches. Wes gets an A, of course. He collects talents with ease, public speaking the most recent addition to his vast repertoire. I barely scrape by with a B, but that was to be expected with how I’ve been feeling lately, which is…off.
My relief after telling Wes about my past was short-lived. I was intentionally vague, deliberately ambiguous, still barricading the memory pacing outside the door to my mind. I’ve built blockades and fortified structural flaws and constructed workarounds and secret entrances. Anything not to face it head-on. I’ve caught a peek of it through the window, sure, but the form’s blurred, and the details are hazy. I don’t want to focus in too hard, it’s too painful, and maybe that’s why I’ve been having so many nightmares. Dark flashes that jerk me awake in a cold sweat. Dizzying reminders I haven’t dealt with my shit.
I downplayed it to Wes, and in the process, I downplayed it to myself.
I feel…unsettled. Sleep-deprived. And being with Wes is the only thing keeping me from thinking too hard or spiraling out of control. He’s the antidote for my ailment. The calm in all the chaos. I cling to him like a lifeline, and even if it’s not entirely healthy, he’s the only thing that makes me feel somewhat normal.
Still, we haven’t kissed since the night of my freak out. We haven’t done anything, really, besides some light cuddling and holding hands. We never called an official pause on all thingsphysical, but I have a feeling he’s waiting for me to initiate. For me to make the first move, so we don’t have a repeat of last time.
We’ve stopped doing sleepovers altogether, which wasn’t really a conscious decision (at least on my end), but every time the night draws to a close, Wes offers to drive me home. I always accept, and if I’m being honest with myself, it’s because I’m a coward, too afraid to stay.
“So, I’ve been meaning to ask you about your spring break plans,” Wes says, spinning in his office chair to face me. It’s a Sunday night, and I’m lying stomach down on his bed, ankles crossed in the air behind me as I work on my laptop.
I glance up at him, swallowing down a yawn. “When is that again?”
He snickers. “I guess that answers my question. It’s next week.”
I push up to a seated position, unable to admit that the days are morphing together and I’m losing track of time. The lack of a full night’s rest is starting to get to me, not to mention my anxiety and denial that Wes is graduating in less than two months. The moments I spend with him are alight in vivid technicolor, while the rest of my hours fade to gray. Without him, all I’m left with are my own thoughts…and that terrifies me. “It is?”
“Yup. I guess that means you don’t have any plans?” he asks, and I shake my head, earning myself that endearing grin. “Well, would you consider coming with me to Cape Haven? A bunch of us rented out a place, this giant house on the beach. Overlooks the ocean and everything. It wouldn’t be for the entire break. Just Sunday through Wednesday.”
I tuck my legs under me as my heart rate kicks up at his invitation. I hadn’t given spring break a second thought until now, and I worry my bottom lip between my teeth. “How muchwould it cost?” I ask carefully, because there’s no way my parents are going to give me money to finance something like this.
Wes slaps a hand over his heart. “You think I’d make youpay?”
My mouth opens, then shuts. “No?”
“No is right. You’d be my guest. I’m not making my guest pay.”
“And they say chivalry is dead,” I joke. “Well, that’s really sweet of you, Wes. Who else is going?”
He thinks about it for a moment and then starts ticking people off on his fingers. “Kaden and Ben. Ben’s friend from home, Chloe. Paul, who you might have met, and his new girlfriend, Malorie. My childhood friends, Ace and Cory. Cory’s girlfriend Jamie. And I think that’s it.”
I squint at him, fitting faces to names in my head. “So…I’d be the only freshman?”
I try to picture myself on a trip with a bunch of upperclassmen I don’t really know. The idea makes me uncomfortable, but Wes will be there. And Ben and Kaden. And even though things have been a little bit off, I’d rather be anywhere Wes is than home by myself, spiraling.
“I think Malorie’s a sophomore,” he offers. “And Chloe’s a junior. You can think about it, if you want. No need to decide right?—”
“I’ll go,” I blurt.
He looks shocked for a moment, and then his face lights up. In turn, my day gets a little brighter. I fear I’ve become addicted to making him shine. “You will?”
I nod, and he practically launches himself at me, toppling me playfully over on the mattress. He drapes his body around mine, big arms hugging my waist, squeezing me as tight as a teddy bear. “Yay, I’m so happy. I thought for sure you’d say no.”
“Wes—can’t breathe?—”
His grip eases from around my stomach, and I suck in air. “Whoops. Sorry.”
I laugh a little at his sheepish expression. “It’s okay, Incredible Hulk.”
He snorts, pulling us both to a seated position. A crease forms between his brows as he regards me hesitantly. “There is one thing I need to warn you about,” he says, and his serious tone makes my spine stiffen.
My voice is wary when I ask, “What is it?”
“We’ll have to share a bed,” he tells me, his eyes searching mine for a reaction. I wait for him to say more, to elaborate. My body sags in relief when he doesn’t.
I bite back a smile. “We’ve done so many times in case you forgot.”
