I push forward to the edge of the chair and slowly stand to my feet, my eyes never leaving him as I walk past his bed. I’m about to exit the room but my feet cement themselves to the ground when he says, “I’m sorry. It was my fault. I’m sorry.”
My heart pains me and I step closer to the bed. I hate seeing him like this. I can’t leave him like this, can I? I can’t stay either. I’m not supposed to be here. I broke into his house and who knows how long I’ve been sitting in his room. At least there’s no knife in my hand, or blood on me. He’s breathing and very much alive. He also needs me. I want to be here for him, but I can’t this way. All I’d do is scare him and add another restraining order to my list if I took his hand.
Sweat breaks out on his brow and he shakes his head again, tears staining his cheeks. As much as it kills me to do so, I force myself to leave the room and quietly exit the front door. Bright light from the sky has me shielding my eyes and I look around, searching for my car. It’s parked at the end of the long snow-covered driveway. The weather is only supposed to get worse out here. I can’t believe I drove all this way while sleeping. This is the furthest away from home I’ve ever gone, and I did it to be where he was. Even while unconscious I knew he needed me here.
I look back at the house one last time before climbing into my car. When I look at my phone the time reads later than expected.I haven’t gotten this much rest in a while. I actually slept, didn’t I? I parked myself in that chair and slept.
Strapping myself into my seatbelt, I turn the key in the ignition and my foot freezes on the brakes when“Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”starts playing. Smiling, I sing along, and my eyes lift to the rearview mirror as I imagine dancing in front of the tree. I want to stay so badly, and I will when I come here on my terms. When I’m all the way coherent and he opens that door to let me in.
If I come here while awake and at my best, then maybe I’ll stop coming here when I’m at my worst.
***
Huey and I don’t go on our long walk today due to the freezing temperatures. The wind chill picks up as we head back inside after I take him out to use the restroom. I stare at my phone and go back to thinking of a way to apologize. It was never my strong suit, and I’ve often found myself talking in circles and not making sense when I’ve tried. Would he believe me if I said I didn’t want to hang up like I did? Would he believe me if I said I wanted him so much that I could barely think of anything else?
That’s too much, isn’t it? Then again, that’s all part of being with someone like me. When I do something, it’s done with all of me. I want too much, I love too much, and I obsess too much.
I’ve been able to hide all the bad sides of me and bury them deep down inside. All the angry and demented thoughts. All the built-up hate and what I truly want to do to anyone who hurts me or someone I love. All my morals evidently go out the window when I close my eyes, though, and I do all the things that should remain as intrusive thoughts. Except, what I keep doing to all my old friends makes zero sense to me. Not once have I thought about killing them when awake. Why would I?
That remains the never-ending question, doesn’t it? Why?
My attention shifts when my phone goes off. I reach for it and my pulse beats in my ears. “Hi,” I say, answering quickly before either of us could change our mind.
“I cheated on you just before.”
My throat constricts, and when I open my mouth to speak, nothing comes out.
He lets out a nervous laugh and says, “I needed the expiration date read on the milk and wasn’t ready to make this call yet. Not sure I am now either. I think I’m sweating in my pits. Oh my god, I don’t know why I said that out loud.” He curses under his breath. “Forget everything I said and just forget this whole conversation ever happened.”
I laugh, leaning my hip against my kitchen bar. “I think it’s too late for that, and I’d rather not forget anything to do with you as long as it stays an option. And also, we haven’t really had a conversation yet. Two people would have to be talking for that to happen.”
“You hung up so fast yesterday.”
“I know and I’m sorry. I’ve just been such a mess, and I didn’t want you to be stuck in it too.”
“What kind of mess? I don’t exactly have my shit together over here, so maybe I can relate.”
“Maybe.” My lips curve. “I shouldn’t have ended the call like that. I shouldn’t have ended it at all. I didn’t want to.”
“You said there were some things I should know about you?”
“Yeah.”
“What kind of things?” He sounds pensive.
“I’ve been deployed three times. Each time had a huge effect on me, but especially the last time. I lost friends in more ways than one, and I lost a bit of myself too.”
“I’m sorry. I can’t even imagine. I think that’s all to be expected, though, after suffering that kind of trauma. If youwant to talk more about it you can, but if you don’t, that’s fine too. We can always talk about something else while we make breakfast or watch a movie together.”
“I like the last two options best. It’ll help me know that we’re okay.”
“We are okay, but if you hang up on me like that again, I’ll make sure I pick the worst movie out there for you to describe to me. Maybe something likeThe Human Centipede.”
I scrunch my face up. “God, please don’t.” We both laugh. “My brother tried to get me to see that with him once and it was a big no for me.”
He laughs harder and it relaxes something inside me. “Lucky for you, I’m not so sure I could stomach it. SeeingHuskwith my sister was enough body horror to last me a lifetime.”
“I bet. There’s enough terrible shit to see in the real world. I’m perfectly okay not adding that to it all.”
