He lets out a harsh breath. “Yeah, on the phone. It’s the best way I can be here to help you instead of making things worse.”
Still not understanding what he’s going on about, I simply nod and say, “Thanks for your help today, Rafael. Have a good rest of your day.” And I hang up.
A hollowness sets in at the bottom of my stomach when I set my phone down. Burying myself deeper in the covers, I press my eyes hard enough to suppress the tears. What did I expect? For him to come over and we live happily ever after in our own little Christmas land? What a joke.
“You need to see things for what they are instead of what you wished they were.”Travis’s voice is loud in my mind again, and I shake my head, wanting to pound at the sides with my fists. I thought we were happy. I saw what wasn’t there before, and I’m doing it all over again but with someone new. Someone else who doesn’t feel the same way. And what do I feel exactly? I’m not even sure myself. All I know is that I really wanted himlying beside me, whispering every kissing scene in my ear as he reenacted it to help me picture it better.
Fourteen
Rafael
It killed me to get off the phone with him. To come up with some bullshit excuse not to go over when there was nothing I wanted more. The sadness in his tone tugged at my fucking heart, and I was so glad I was unable to see his face in that moment. I could still go. I know where he is. I know where both of his houses are thanks to the packages he showed me being addressed to both. But then I pull up several articles about thedeaths of old army buddies, and they add up to the number of times I’ve had to burn or bury bloody clothes or bags, and I remember exactly why I can’t go.
I’ve already been a part of his life too much as it is. I’m dreaming about him, waking up in the park I met him at, and sleeping in front of his cabin. I pinch the bridge of my nose and let Huey out of his kennel. He spins around in circles, huffing at my leg.
“Sorry I was gone so long, buddy. Must have been a good chunk of the night and morning for you to be this excited to see me.”
He rushes to the door, looking up at his hanging leash, and I laugh. “I’m coming. Give me a minute to use the restroom and down one of these cans.” I shake the bag in my arm. “And I’ll be ready to go.”
He makes a disapproving noise and I laugh, my chest lightening a little. The tightness is back the moment I see the empty Christmas tree my next door neighbor made me take last weekend. It reminded me of him. All things having to do with this holiday and joy do. Henry is all good and sweet. I’m the nightmare who doesn’t even know when he’s coming to haunt you while you’re awake and I’m dead asleep.
***
Huey and I return from our walk. He shakes off the flurries we got caught under on the way back and runs straight to his bed by the fireplace lifting his head at it.
“Is this your way of telling me I need to make it warmer in here?”
He grunts and I chuckle, going to turn the gas on. I add more logs once I get more than a spark going, pushing it with the poker until the flames are big enough. Rubbing my handstogether, I close my eyes and breathe in the intoxicating scent of burning wood. One of my favorite smells of winter. I open my eyes again when my phone goes off, my pulse settling when I see it’s my mom.
“Hola.”
“Hola, mijo. How is my eldest son?”
“I’m doing okay. Trying to stay warm tonight. Huey and I got to witness the first bit of snow of the season.”
“Is what your brother says true? Are you really not coming for Christmas?”
I frown. “No, alma. I’m sorry but I have too much to get done here.”
“Like what? Walk your pig ten times a day?”
“Yes, amongst other things. Like lots of volunteer work.” Trying not to wake in a certain someone’s bed and having to replace my tires for the second time this year.
“We miss you and we’d love to have you here. It feels like it’s been way too long.”
“Only a little over a year.”
“Like I said, too long.”
I give a short laugh. “I’ll be there next year, I promise.”
“Is this because of Rory?”
“Not just him. A small town like that never forgets when someone gets arrested for breaking and entering. Besides, he’s now moved in with his new fiancé and no longer lives there.”
“Who told you that? Yes, he moved, but not to a new town. He lives across the way in his parents’ old house now. They bought it six months ago. He tells me hi every morning he sees me, but I can tell it’s only to be nice. That other man doesn’t even look our way.”
“Derick told me. And what do you mean he lives across the street?” Why would he do that? He knows I can’t go within acertain distance of him, and he chose to move close to my family anyway? Maybe he does want me to lose everything after all.
