“And in the meantime, you met Snapper, who came to meansomething to you, something deep and good and important.A Snapper who is witha club at war with a man whopeddles fleshandmakes pornandyour issue is…?”she prompted.
“He might get hurt,” I told her.
“Yes, and a police officer faces every shift every day withthat same risk.”
And finally we were where I needed us to be.
“Snap is not police,” I pointed out.
“And a soldier faces that every day when they’re deployed,”she kept on like I didn’t say anything.
“He’s not a soldier either, Mom.”
She jerked her head to the side.“He isn’t?”
I shut up again.
“You know,” she carried on, “in a perfect world, there arerules and everyone abides by them.There is good and there is bad and everyoneunderstands which is which.There is dark and there is light and each personunderstands which they carry inside them.But this isn’t a perfect world,Rosalie, and it never will be.In every case, in every instance, in every nookand cranny on this planet, the lines are blurred.Each person has to decidetheir version of what is right and what isnot.And so far, you haven’ttold me anything that, according to my version, isn’t right about SnapperKavanaugh or his Club.”
“I’m scared of losing him to this war,” I told her.
“And he’s deeply in love with you.How do you think he’sfelt all these months you’ve been a part of an outlaw motorcycle club you’vebeen informing on, Rosalie?How well do you think he’s slept knowing hecouldn’t protect you every second of every day?And now, when what happened toyou happened, living with how that might scar you and he’s powerless over thattoo.”
Not exactly.
He was so far really good at handling that last part.
That said, I’d never considered how Snapper might have feltabout what danger I was putting myself in.I’d just pushed him away when worsecame to worse and he was blaming himself and hurting for me and wanting to stepup to take care of me.
Not wanting to do it.
Doing it.
God!
Now I not only had a messed-up head, I was a selfish bitch.
“Life is a risk, Rosalie,” she said impatiently, cuttinginto my thoughts.“And I totally understand you being hesitant after that packof mongrels set themselves on you.But I hope I raised a daughter stronger thanthat.A daughter who can get herself past that and recognize what’s good forher, grab hold, and keep it close and safe for as long as God gives her theprivilege of having it.”
I looked away and sipped coffee, right then worried that Iwasn’t that daughter she’d hoped she’d raised.
The coffee was awesome, and as such fortifying, but nothingcould be fortifying enough to pull my stuff together on this.
Mom’s tone was a lot gentler when she noted, “You say you’rein love with him.”
“I fell in love with him while I was with another man,” Itold the nicked coffee table covered in spent magazines and used books for salethat had been taken from shelves, perused over coffee, and left for next time.
“Honeypot,” she called.
I looked to her.
“Do you feel guilt for not being loyal in your heart toBeck?”she asked.
“Yes,” I answered tightly.“And Mom,” I went on when herface started to set hard, “it isn’t all about Beck, even if part of it is.It’sabout wondering what Snap will think that I could do that to Beck when he mightbe up next.”
Understanding dawned on her.“Ah.”
“Yeah,” I mumbled.“Ah.”
