Now, I drive to Apollo’s grave.When I reach, I grab the bouquet of his favourite flowers – Lilies – and walk towards his tombstone.I sit in front of it and place the flowers on the ground.‘Hi.’My voice comes out in a whisper.I clear my throat and talk again.‘I hope you’re in a better place, wherever you are.I want to believe that you are among the stars that we looked up to and that I can come visit you when I’m on my mission.’I take in a deep breath and release it.‘I’m sorry I was angry at you for so long.I was angry at myself for not seeing the signs of you in pain, for not helping when I could have.But Mum told me that I can’t keep blaming myself for it.I don’t agree with your choices, but I understand them.I am sorry that life was harsh on you.Please know that I love you very much, and I miss you every day.Nee eppome en kooda iruppa, in my heart and memories.’I press my forehead to the stone and say goodbye.
The sky is getting dark as I drive to Box Hill and climb up the hill to the same place that I was with Cooper on my 22nd birthday.The stars come out as my eyes adjust to the darkness, and I stand there looking at them while mindlessly fidgeting with the chain on my neck – it is the same one that Cooper gave me.I never took it off in all these years.It was a way for me to keep Apollo close to my heart, but maybe I also had Cooper close to my heart all this time.This is the only place I can come to feel close to Cooper and say goodbye to him before I launch into space with my team and orbit the Earth for six months, gathering data.
Someone steps onto the leaves behind me, and they crunch.My heart jumps out of my chest.Although the chances of me being axe-murdered on this hill are low, they aren’t zero.I slowly turn around with my keys gripped between my fingers like Wolverine, and a familiar silhouette approaches me.Cooper.
I don’t know what to say or do.I thought I didn’t have to see him one last time.I didn’t plan on what to say to him if I did.But I should have known that he would show up; he always does.That’s just who he is.
‘Hi,’ I say, taking tentative steps towards him.
As he comes closer to me, his face is illuminated by the full moon’s light, and I see that his eyes are red.My focus travels to his hand that is gripping my letter.‘I know I made a mistake letting you go, but you were going to leave without saying goodbye?’He grits out the words through his teeth; every syllable laced with anger.
‘Maybe it was a mistake letting me go and the way you did.I blamed myself for so long.I thought there was no place for my grief or my choices in anyone’s life.But yesterday, I realised I was holding onto an anger deeper than what I had towards you.And when I realised that I was holding onto anger towards Apollo too, it made things clearer.I can see that you believe it was for my own good and a part of me appreciates you for that,’ I respond, a tornado of emotions brewing inside me.
His face softens momentarily, but the crease on his eyebrows comes back stronger.‘You still haven’t told me why you are leaving without saying goodbye, Luna.’His words carry so much frustration, but it is also drenched in pain – the same pain that is holding me hostage now.
‘It is what’s best for both of us right now, Cooper.’I walk past him, trying to stay calm and get out of this place before the tsunami breaks out of me.
He catches my wrist with a gentle yet firm grip.‘Do you love me?’
‘Please, Cooper.I told you how I felt in the letter.’My eyes burn, tears threatening to flow out.
‘I want tohearit from you, Luna.Do you still love me?’
‘Of course I do!’I scream.‘I can’t survive another send-off where you aren’t there.’
He releases his grip on me, and my wrist swings back to my side.‘Do you truly think I won’t be there to send you off?’
‘You weren’t there last time, even when I texted you that I was leaving.’My voice comes out meek and shaky.
‘I was there, Luna.’
‘What?’The blood drains out of my face.‘What do you mean?’
‘I was there in the airport.I saw you leave.’He sounds defeated.
‘But- I never saw you.’
‘I made sure you wouldn’t find me.I couldn’t face you after what I’d done.’He takes a second to compose himself.‘I didn’t know any better, Luna.I kept telling myself that I did it because I didn’t want you to throw your future away for me.But honestly, I couldn’t risk you staying for me, then eventually realise that I wasn’t enough for you and leave me just like my Dad did.’He completes the sentence in a single breath.
I immediately sober up.My heart breaks into more pieces at the thought of Cooper believing that no one would want to stay with him in the long run, because he thinks he isn’t enough.‘I would have nev—’
‘Well, I wasn’t in a position to believe that anyone would stay.The voices were strong; they were convincing.They were my only friend and enemies.I truly believed that I wasn’t worth staying for, because why else would a father abandon his son and not look back?Or even refuse to reach out after all these years?I couldn’t have survived it if you had left too, Luna.But I had to face my demons; I couldn’t sleep for days after you left.I was filled with regret and dread.I went to therapy, I opened all the raw wounds so that a professional can carefully inspect them and treat them how it's meant to be treated, instead of living life with the temporary cover I had stapled over it.I understood that my abandonment issues ran deep, and I pushed you away first before you could.But now, I know, and I’m sorry that I put you through that.Please, give me a chance to stay, Luna.’
My heart glows from how proud I am of Cooper.I also see how beautiful it is that we are able to be vulnerable and honest about the work we have to do on ourselves.Even though I could sense it in his words how he feels about me, I still need to ask.‘Do you still lo—’
‘Of course I still love you, Luna.I will follow you to the moon and back,’ he says, and steps forward, closing the distance between us.He inches towards my lips, the back of his hand caressing my cheek, sending goosebumps in its path.He waits until I am ready.‘I love you,’ I whisper, and it triggers him to collide with my mouth and kiss me with the fire of a thousand stars shining above us.
