I smile automatically and type a response to send him.It has been a few weeks since Cooper gave me the chain with the guitar pendant, and it stays on my neck constantly.I am scared to take it off for anything and lose it accidentally.He is right.I almost feel whole having a part of Apollo close to my heart all the time.Even if he’s not there next to me in the physical realm, at least the spirit of him stays next to me.
My feelings for Cooper have also grown significantly stronger.I’m so close to blurting out the three words every time we meet.But a part of me is afraid of what would happen once I say it; things change once it’s said out loud.You can’t take back words like that.I don’t know if I can handle the change that occurs after I say it.I have my career perfectly planned and laid out in front of me, and I am not sure if I can go through with it after I tell Cooper that I love him.I am also afraid that I am free-falling into something which will reveal itself to be another heartbreak.
I put aside that thought for now and scroll through the rest of my notifications, and an email stares back at me.It is from one of the top universities of the Astrobiology PhD program that I had applied to, and my stomach knots thinking about their response.It is unusual for them to respond this quick after an application because I haven’t even gotten a grade for my final project yet.
I read the subject of the email –Decision on your application to our PhD program.My fingers are quick to click on the notification, and my eyes roam through every line of the email as quickly as possible.Phrases likecongratulations,we are pleasedandjoin us soon,catch my eye, and I know it in my bones that I got in.I read further, and my suspicion of an early response gets clarified when I find out that my mentor from my master’s project was so impressed with my work and topic that he sent a personal recommendation directly to the Hamburg University of Science, hoping to help my application.
They have given me an early invitation to the program, which I can accept or deny within a week.My happiness bubbles over, and I run towards my parents’ room.I knock rapidly on the door, as a result of which Appa opens the door with messy hair from waking up, concern painted across his face.‘Enna aachu kanna?’he asks in Tamil, our mother tongue.
‘I got into the program in Hamburg Appa!’
He processes the words slowly and immediately engulfs me in a warm hug and lifts me to spin me around.‘I can’t breathe, pa.’I managed to let out from being squeezed too hard.
He laughs, puts me down and pats my shoulders, ‘I’m proud of you, da,’ he says, a genuine smile on his face.‘Now, let’s tell your Mum.’
My Mum sleeps soundly as Appa rubs her hand, trying to wake her up.She opens her eyes slowly and sees Appa standing over her with a warm smile on his face.Her mouth curves into a smile that matches his.‘Hi, honey.Good morning.’
‘Good morning, my love.Luna is waiting to tell you something important,’ he points to me standing by the bedroom door, jittering with excitement.
‘What is it, Muffin?Come sit here.’She pats the space next to her on the bed.
I tell my Mum about the invitation, and she pulls me into an embrace and smoothens the back of my hair, telling me how proud she is of me.She asks me about the time and place of the program, for which I fill her in on the details.
‘Ohh, we will miss you, Lulu, but it’s okay.You will do amazing there.’She reassures me.
Once we all hug as a family and talk more about my plans of getting ready for Germany, I put one foot in front of the other hesitantly as I walk towards my room.I stop in front of Apollo’s room, and my chest tightens because he isn’t here to share the happiness of my news with us.I step forward, and my hand hovers over the handle, but my phone dings at that moment.
Cooper’s text hangs suspended in the notification bar, and I press on it.Working on the final touches of my painting!
I smile softly.Excited to see it once it’s finished :)I type in the response and press send.
My thoughts are all over the place.Joy is definitely at the forefront of my feelings, but my heart is feeling a loss already.Do I still want to pick my career that I’ve worked hard for over everything else, and move to Germany?
‘What am I going to do?’I mutter to myself.
13
