Poop bags
Toys
And last, but not least, pet insurance.
At some point, a neighbor’s kid showed up at the door to walk the dog because “Mr. Slade said that you are going to pay me”. I pulled out my wallet, cursing the day I metMr. Slade, before sending him a threatening text.
Me:I will fucking kill you.
He texted right back as if he had been expecting it.
Jordan:Love you. Mwah.
Later, while I watched Milo sleep, I concluded he wasn’t as ugly as I first thought. He was a fashion model compared to Rusty, but he resembled those weird orange monkeys I saw on Animal Planet. His paw looked as if it had been run over by a car, which explained why he limped, so no wonder Jordan said that Milo reminded him of me. We were both scarred for life and we had nasty personalities. Speaking of personalities, where Rusty was an angel, Milo was a demon. He possessed wild, chaotic energy and lacked an obedient bone in his body. Basic commands like sit, stay, or come made him do the opposite. He kept jumping on me wherever I went, no matter how many times I threatened him or bribed him with food. He was barking constantly, whether because of the noises coming from outside or to get my attention. I locked myself in the toilet because I needed five minutes of peace, only to find him chewing on my sock when I came out.
After I put on a football game, Milo joined me on the sofa. Every time my team scored, he barked, wagging his tail, and by the time the game was over, I was howling with laughter. I gave him a snack, he licked my hand, and the order was restored.
“Good dog,” I murmured, petting him behind the ear. “You just have to be obedient, and we’ll get along just fine.”
Milo barked in agreement, and it seemed as if we had a deal. Or not, which I realized around midnight when I heard the front door open. I opened my eyes, still groggy from sleep, only to see a dog's tail wagging in my face.
“What did I say?” I growled. “No sleeping on the bed, demon dog.”
He barked and jumped out of bed as I pulled the blanket over my head and went back to sleep. My eyes had barely closed when Jordan collapsed on the bed next to me.
“What the hell is going on?” I murmured. “Can’t I have a moment’s peace?”
“I came to tell you something, but now I can’t remember what,” Jordan replied, yawning. “God, I missed my bed!”
“Well, you can’t sleep here. Get up and take that dog with you.”
It didn’t happen. Both Jordan and the ugly dog spent the night snoring next to me, which made me realize I had to set some boundaries.
“There will be rules,” I said when I confronted them both in the morning. “First, and I’m looking at you, ugly dog, my socks are off-limits. If I see you chewing on them one more time, I will stop feeding you. Second, my bed is off-limits, too, and it’s nonnegotiable. Third, no more snacks after dinner. Are we clear on that?”
Milo barked and wagged his tail, which meant absolutely nothing, but I let it slide.
“Peachy,” I said before looking at Jordan. “You will stop sleeping in my bed, stealing my blanket, and humping my leg like you did last night. Got it?”
Jordan grinned, biting into an apple. “Sure.”
It didn’t sound encouraging, but I let it slide, too.
To no one’s surprise, none of it happened. I had to hide all my socks. Milo gotonesnack after dinner because I had to shut him upsomehow. When I went to take an afternoon nap, he joined me on the bed, finding a comfortable spot below my feet. Since he was kind of warm, I let him sleep there, telling myself that it was “only this once”. When Jordan came home from work, he showed up in the bedroom under the pretense of checking up on the dog, only to fall asleep next to me. The following night, he came to my bed as if it were the most normal thing in the world. At that point, I gave up. After all, a week from now, my cast would be gone. It meant, bye-bye, ugly dog. Bye-bye, Judas. As far as I was concerned, they deserved each other.
