“I wanted this!” Jordan exclaimed, wiping away the rain running down his face, because the storm descended upon us. “You know I did. Why are you acting otherwise?”
“I’m not acting,” I said matter-of-factly. You’re the one who has been acting, Agent Slade, or whatever they call you in your department.”
“I quit my fucking department!” Jordan shouted as the lightning cracked above us. “I did it a year ago when I asked for a transfer to the LD because I was addicted to you, just like I’m addicted to you now. I stayed in the worst department in the country because I hoped that a day would come when you would smile at me. How pitiful is that?”
“You just don’t get it, do you?” I asked him, genuinely baffled. “I opened my heart to you. I trusted you. I let you into my life while ignoring the gut feeling that told me you were a lying piece of shit.”
“Oh, give me a break,” Jordan said, laughing bitterly. “You were an ass to me for years. If I can forgive you for that, you can do the same.”
“I’d had cigarette butts put out on me, you leech,” I bellowed, because he just wasn’t getting it. “I’d been beaten and flogged, betrayed and abandoned, but it all hurt less than what you did to me. Do you want to know why? Because I didn’t fucking care!”
“I love you, okay?” Jordan said, sounding strangled. “What do you have to say to that? Or doesn’t it mean anything?”
Oh, the elusive L word. I never thought I would hear it in my life, but there it was. Or maybe it wasn’t. His words were obscured by the howling wind and the storm, so I wasn’t sure I heard him right.
“It means a lot,” I said, wiping the rain off my face. “Just not in this lifetime.”
“Oh, fuck off!” Jordan bit out. “Can’t you love me back, you stupid jerk?”
Unfortunately, I already did. I loved that annoying, lying fucker who sneaked into my heart so cunningly that I never even noticed it. It made me so angry that I would have hurled that Lword at his face when the world around me flipped on its axis. One moment I was on my feet, and the next I was high in the air, amongst the clouds. An earthquake later, or it felt like it, I found myself on the ground. I could hear the cars honking. People around me were screaming. Only the flickering curtain of stars above me seemed indifferent to it all.
“I told you, cop!” A voice in the distance reached me, vaguely familiar. “Those mashed potatoes you shoved in my face were a big mistake. By the way, Bull sends his regards.”
Skull Crusher.
I recognized his voice, just as the world around me darkened. The last thing I could remember was the amber eyes filled with panic above me, and a panicked voice calling me.
“Adam! Can you hear me? I called an ambulance. Please say something.”
I tried to say something. I tried to smile. But I was already gone.
Chapter 18
Numb
Jordan
I died a few times. The first time it happened was when Agent Corcoran unintentionally revealed my identity. Jordan, the former Internal Affairs agent. Jordan, the liar. Jordan, the fraud. My entire life came crashing down at that moment, and I wasn’t even the worst person in the world. I was, in fact, a decent one. I just made a bad call.
The second time I died was when Maddox punched me. It was the first fist that hit my face, and which Adam left unavenged. He just walked away, or so they told me after I came to with little birdies flying around my head. Maddox had the meanest punch and the best intentions, but my anger at him was misdirected. I could only blame myself for ending up Adam-less because he disappeared without a trace. He took a leave of absence and never came home, and I knew it because I was spending my nights in his bed crying.
The third time I died was when I saw a car hitting the man I loved before it sped away in a cloud of dust. The driver didn’t bother hiding his identity, which meant Skull Crusher was a dead man. Still, first I had to make sure I had something to live for.
“Adam,” I gasped, dropping to my knees beside him. “Can you hear me?”
I pulled the phone out of my pocket and punched in 911 with trembling fingers.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“This is Detective Slade. Officer down. My partner’s been hit by a vehicle.”
“What’s your location?”
“Corner of 5th and Maple Street. He’s unconscious, and his breathing is shallow. There’s head trauma—possible internal injuries. Please hurry.”
“Help is on the way.”
I pressed two fingers to Adam’s neck, feeling relief when I felt a weak pulse. Trying to remember the prayers I learned as a child, I dialed another number.
