“Do you ever want to get married?”
That’s not what I was expecting, but Silas isn’t always linear, so I’ve learned to roll with it.
“I never thought about it much, to be honest. When I was younger I thought I would one day, but it was always because I thought I had to, not because I actually wanted to. It never really appealed to me, to be honest. My parents were married. They technically still are. So many people get married and then act like it doesn’t mean anything, so I never had a lot of respect for the idea. If you really want to be with someone, why do you have to sign a piece of paper that forces you to stay together, you know?”
I feel Silas nodding against me.
“What about you?”
He takes his time answering. “I think I felt the same way. I didn’t think about it a lot, because it seemed like something Dad would probably make me do eventually, so there was no point in worrying about it until then. But yeah, it always hung over my head like some vague future obligation I didn’t really want. I guess I wanted to know if it’s something you want, so you don’t feel like you’re missing out on anything.”
I shake my head and squeeze his side to reassure him. He flinches the same way he has done so much recently, and I feel guilty for not thinking about it, but then he seems to make the conscious choice to relax. I flatten my hand and move it a little higher, then butt my head against his chest for attention.
“I’m not missing out. I’ll do it if you want, but I think one of my favorite things about ending up with a man is getting an excuse to avoid all of these heteronormative things that I don’t want to do. Not that you can’t also do that with a girl, of course, but you know what I mean. My mom isn’t breathing down our necks about grandchildren. If I was with a girl, I think she would be. But like, she doesn’t even really care about grandchildren. Soshe’d only be doing it because she felt like she was supposed to, and the whole thing goes on and on and on. I like stepping out of that cycle.”
I think about it for a second, and realize something.
“I bet Gunnar and Tobias will be the first Possum Hollow gay wedding. That man has wanted to wife Tobias since the day he set eyes on him. They’re all traditional and shit. It’ll be fucking adorable.”
Silas laughs, and the sound falls over me like warm rain. I relax a little bit more, ignoring all my stupid aches and pains.
“Oh!” I say, tilting my head back to look at him and tapping at his chest. “I have an idea. If we count our anniversary as the day we moved in together, instead of the day we started jerking off in bed together because we were the bestest bros in the world, that’s in a couple months. Which seems like the perfect amount of time to plan a party. What do you think?”
Silas hesitates, and my Silas-mind-reading powers kick into gear.
“No big ceremony, I promise. No vows, nothing where we are the center of attention. But we can get everybody together and they can all watch us being in love. Tobias and Gunnar aren’t the only ones who should get to be gay and adorable, I want a piece of that action.”
Silas starts to laugh, but he buries his face in my hair to muffle it.
“Okay. That sounds doable. I’m down,” he says.
“Yes!” I fist pump to celebrate the plan I’ve been super excited about for 45 seconds now. “You’re on, Rush. Non-wedding it is.”
“Anything you want, Cade.”
I hesitate, because it’s been nice having a light tone between us for once, but I don’t want to pass up an opportunity to show him I really do understand the things I’ve done wrong lately.
“For you too, remember. Anything you want.” I look up at him again, studying the line of his face that looks like it’s glowing a little in the light. “I’m sorry I tried to steamroll you with all the stuff about getting custody of my sisters. I wasn’t thinking straight, and I let all these weird fears get the best of me. It wasn’t cool, to just force you into something.”
Silas nods, looking at me carefully.
“So no surprise children? Because I love you, but if I come home one day and you’ve acquired a baby or something I don’t think I can handle that.”
He’s joking, kind of. But there’s a serious undertone to the words.
I shake my head.
“Nope. No surprise babies. Honestly, that’s another thing that always seemed like a threat hanging over me more than something to look forward to. I’ve spent most of my life raising my sisters, and they’re a long way from being grown. I’m sure we’ll talk about it when we’re older or whatever, but if you don’t ever want to have more family than we have right now, I’m very okay with that. We don’t need to put weird pressure on ourselves. Right?”
Silas blows out a breath for a long time, and I can tell he was more stressed about that than he was letting on.
“Right. I like that plan. A plan to not have a plan.”
We keep staring at each other, but it feels peaceful for once, instead of intense.
“Honestly,” he continues. “I have so much more right now than I ever thought I would. Being with you is better than being alone, and that’s not something I thought I would ever experience. And I do love having the girls sometimes, although I’m glad they got to go home, finally. This is all so much and it makes me really happy, even on the worst possible days. I don’t need more than this.”
I think some people might read something negative into what he’s saying, but I get it. Life is hard. All the fucking time. This makes me so much happier than I ever expected, I don’t feel the need to add anything else into my life. I don’t feel like we’re missing anything.
