It’s been a fuzzy couple of days and I’ve definitely been drinking more than I should, so the details got lost for a while there. But now I remember. And I remember the sheer urgency of the situation. Because it only takes one day or one random event to have Dad change his mind, or Mom to relapse hard, and suddenly my sisters are being taken across state lines into danger by someone I’m not legally able to stop.
I don’t have a choice. It’s just one shitty race. The race is fine, even if I’m still exhausted and not exactly at my peak. It’s managing Silas’s anxiety around me riding that I’m worried about.
“Yeah,” I say, realizing I’ve left him in silence for too long. “Yeah, man. I’ll be there. I’ll see you tonight. Thanks.”
I hang up, trying to dig around in my head for the right words to ease Silas’s fears. Of course, when I turn around he’s standingright there in the entry to the kitchen with a storm cloud of emotion on his face.
It’s not exactly what I was expecting. Anxiety, yes. Anger? Not quite.
“So…” I trail off.
“No.”
“What?”
“No,” Silas repeats himself, arms crossed over his chest. “I really don’t like being made to play the role of a nagging housewife, but absolutely fucking not. You are not going to kill yourself over a drunken fucking bet.”
“Dude, it wasn’t a drunk bet.” I step toward him with my hands reaching, but he tenses up so I don’t come any closer. “Yes, we were drinking and it was stupid of me to stay out so late. I really am sorry. But I’m serious about the race. This is too much money to pass up, Silas.”
Silas pauses, rubbing at the bridge of his nose for a second.
“I know you have a lot of trauma around money. I get it, I really do. But baby, when are you going to get it in your head that we’re not fucking broke anymore? We can afford to throw away food that’s gone bad, we don’t struggle to pay the bills, we have this whole fucking house to live in for just property taxes. We give your sisters enough to make sure they’re comfortable. Things are good. I mean, neither of us is going to a four-year college, but I don’t think we missed out there. Take a fucking breath. You don’t need to keep going like you’re fighting for your life every day.”
It’s possibly the most words I’ve heard him say in a single string, but it definitely doesn’t hit me the way he was hoping.
“First of all, you don’t have totherapy-speakme. She talks to you that way because you two are in a professional relationship and it makes it all impersonal. When you start talking to me thatway, it makes me feel like I’m talking to a chatbot. I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be a dick, but please just talk regular.”
I take a breath, vaguely aware that this is not the road I want to start down but it’s too late to stop my momentum.
“And second of all, yes, I do have trauma around money. Which is why I know how quickly it can be taken away. Just because we can buy groceries doesn’t mean we’re safe. Either of my parents could go fucking crazy and make a mess in an instant. Your dad could show up here anytime he wants and fight you for the house. We—” I gesture between the two of us— “are not the kind of people who get taken seriously when the cops get called. Or something goes to court. In fact, people take one look at me and assume I’m guilty of something. It’s just who I am. Literally the only thing we can have on our side is more money than the degenerate fucks that raised us. That’s it. That’s our whole safety net.”
Silas’s eyes are wide, and he’s leaning away from me a little, making me wonder just how unhinged I look right now.
I can’t stop, though. I have to make him understand. Ineedhim to understand.
“I would never make you do anything you didn’t want to. I’m not even asking you to race. I love you, I don’t want to see you hurt. But I can’t pass up on something so simple that has the chance to get us as much cash—under the table, I should add—as either of us makes in a month! You can’t ask me to do that. Not when I need money if I want to get my sisters safe.”
Silas’s hesitation drops, and he leans towards me again.
“Oh, yeah. I forgot about the genius plan you had to steal your sisters from your mom and adopt two fucking children without even asking me. How stupid of me.”
“Don’t pretend you don’t love them.”
I can hear myself getting bitchier by the second, but I’m powerless to stop it, apparently. Silas is the only person I everlet boss me around, apart from the girls, and apparently there’s a limit to that, too.
“Of course I love them,” Silas says, throwing his arms to the side. “You know I love them. And I’ll fight with you to protect them. But I don’t think it’s protecting them to start what will be a stressful, prolonged legal battle over awhat-if. I also don’t think your mom deserves this when she’s been working so hard this year to stay clean. Even if it’s just mostly clean. And I really don’t think it’s okay to make unilateral decisions aboutadopting fucking childrenwhen we’re supposed to be partners. I’ve never had a boyfriend before but I thought the lack of surprise children was supposed to be one of the perks.”
“How are you only funny when you’re being a dick to me?” I’m not changing the subject. I’m not. “Explain to me how that works.”
“Explain how I’m being a dick to you. Please.” Silas is looking more desperate by the second, and it’s making my anger back down incrementally. “I love you. I’m scared that you’re hurting yourself right now because you won’t fucking talk about what’s really bothering you. And I don’t want you to race—illegally, hungover, and on a whim—just to potentially make some money that we can get safely. Please stop.”
I throw my head back, covering my eyes with my hands. I know he’s making sense, and I know he’s only doing this because he cares. But it’s like the part of me that understands that and the part of me that’s in charge right now refuse to fucking talk to each other, and I’m just a passenger, trapped behind a glass wall.
“I’m so sick of hearing ‘please stop’. You, Tristan, Mom, everyone. Nothing is wrong. My dad being in town is making me a little antsy but it’s not the end of the world. I caught a sad case at work and went out to drink about it. I like rough sex, but until a few days ago, so did you. I’m not doing drugs, I’m not driving drunk or shotgunning beers to get out of bed or going to workwith anything in my system. I got in one fucking ill-advised fight with Dad, and that was a long time coming, in the grand scheme of things. Why is everyone so bent out of fucking shape right now? I’m—”
“So help me god, Cade, if you tell me that you’re fine right now, I will go sleep at Ford’s. I’m telling you to stop because you’re so caught up in this weird, self-destructive momentum that you can’t even see it anymore. And you’re not listening to me.”
I force in a deep breath, then blow it out. Then another, then another. I continue to tilt my head back with my eyes closed until I can wrangle all the anger and other emotions coursing through me into some kind of submission, because as pissed as I am, I still never want to fight with Silas. Especially because I know how much he hates conflict. If I want to argue with someone I can go yell at Mom.
