I can’t answer. My throat is twisting itself into a knot, so it’s all I can do to swallow and nod.
The silence between us drags on and on. Silas doesn’t move away, but he looks to the side, staring out the window for a long time, like the answers to his questions are in our barren front yard.
I glance at him, then again, then I let myself look properly, as a little of my apprehension recedes.
He’s not crying. His face looks completely impassive, if you didn’t know him. But I do know him. I know him better thananyone else in the world, and I know that all that blankness is masking too much for him to express.
God, I’m such an asshole, focused on my own feelings instead of him, just like last night.
“Jesus, Silas. Come here. Please?” I ask, holding out my arms to him but stopping just shy of physical contact.
Silas works his jaw for a few seconds before he turns, then closes the distance all at once, wrapping his arms around my chest and burying his face in my neck. I circle his neck and squeeze him even tighter to me, running my fingers frantically through his short hair as we cling to each other and both take deep, shaky breaths.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, kissing him on the neck and the side of the face—whatever I can reach.
He doesn’t say anything, so I repeat myself. And again, and again, and again.
Silas shudders underneath my hands, and continues to breathe deep, like he’s trying to suck me into his lungs and keep me there.
We stand there for a long time like that. I’m aware that there are a lot of things left to say, but right now, Silas feels fragile in my arms and I just want to hold him close to me. Plus, my brain feels fuzzy as hell and I’m not exactly eloquent on my best days.
“Hey,” I whisper, pulling back a little so I can see his face. See how blotchy and sad his face is, unfortunately.
“I know we have more stuff to talk about, but I feel like ass. And I love you, but you look like ass. Both of those things are my fault, but could we just chill for a little while? Let’s play fucking GTA or something else mindless. We can both relax, eat some food, maybe take a nap, and then do big talks later. Deal?”
Silas looks at me, and although he’s still quiet and tense, I feel like the hostility from before is gone.
I give him the most charming smile I have in me right now.
“We can even throw in blowjobs later, if you’re into it. Hmm?”
I chuck him on the chin like we’re in an old-timey movie and study his face while he processes.
“Yeah, sure,” he says, eventually.
“Yeah to video games and blowjobs or just video games?”
There’s a ghost of a smile. It’s small, but it’s there.
“Let’s start with GTA. We’ll take it from there. Why don’t you go shower first and I’ll make you something to eat.”
“You don’t have to do that, I can make myself something,” I start to say, but when Silas raises an eyebrow at me, I lean down to sniff myself. God, why the fuck did I think it was a good idea to have a cigarette. Yikes. “Oh yeah. Let me go shower. I’ll be right back. But I can make my own food, I swear.”
I don’t let myself linger and stare at him the way I want to, forcing myself to turn and go. This is fine. Everything is normal. I did a bad thing, I will apologize again and make it up to him any way he’ll let me, and we can all move on. It doesn’t have to be a big deal.
Silas’s hand is still on my hip when I turn, and his fingers drag across the skin slowly, like he’s just as reluctant to let me go as I am.
Everything will be fine. I can take care of him like I’m supposed to, and fix what I broke. By tomorrow, everything will be back to normal.
“Fuck you, robot boy, why are you so good at this?”
That actually gets a soft laugh out of him. It feels like I’ve been teasing the happiness to the surface for hours, and it’s finally making a difference. All we needed was a little distraction.
“Because you have the attention span of a hummingbird. You’re not that hard to beat, bro.”
I scoff. “Bro. How dare you address me like you’ve never fucked me in the ass when you are literally, currently fucking me in the ass!”
Not literally, but that’s what it feels like as I throw my controller down on the table in frustration. Silas deposits his gently, with a smile. The difference in mood from this morning is palpable, and I want to savor every minute of it.
