But today has reminded me of just how quickly things can change, and how little it takes to let your children slip through your fingers. I have to do something. I have to. I can’t just sit here and wait for something awful to go down, I’ll never forgive myself. It’s bad enough that Sky got burned last winter because I wasn’t there to help her. I owe them this.
The sound of the door opening startles me so much I knock my lukewarm beer over, and start cussing as I pick up the laptop, watching my hastily scribbled notes on back of junk mail take the worst of the damage.
“Motherfucker,” I hiss, just as Silas, Maddi, and Sky all come into view.
The looks on their faces start off surprised, but quickly settle into some form of scared and/or pissed.
“Uh, hey guys. Sorry, I must’ve lost track of time, I didn’t realize you were about to get home, or I would have cleaned up.”
“Cade,” Silas says slowly, putting his keys down on the little side table and pulling off his Carhartt without ever looking away from me. “It’s 3:30 in the afternoon. Why are you still awake?”
“Um,” I start, without having anything to follow. I take a look at my sisters and immediately wish I hadn’t. Sky looks stressed, and has grabbed hold of Silas’s hand, while Maddi’s face has settled into the same brutal disappointment as when I had that fight with Dad. Yikes. “I just got caught up. Shift ran late,” I lie. “I was having trouble winding down.”
The bottle of whiskey on the table is more than half empty, I realize, now that everyone is looking at it as well as me, and a tendril of shame curls through me. At some point I’d hit a wall, and the whiskey started tasting like water too, not having any effect on me that I could feel no matter how much I drank.
“It’s fine. I’ll clean up so you guys can do homework. I should probably get to bed, anyway.”
Maddi frowns, and I realize I’ve listed a little to the side while I was talking, and reach out to catch myself on the table. Except I misjudge the distance and miss, which makes me stagger back a step, and suddenly draw attention to myself and make everything worse.
Shit.
And of course, Silas doesn’t even have the heart to look pissed. He just looks sad.
“Why don’t you guys go upstairs for a bit while I get your brother in bed,” he says, never moving his gaze away from me as he speaks. “I’ll make you something to eat in just a minute.”
“I can make us something,” Maddi interjects, her eyes flicking between us, but Silas is already moving.
He cups one large hand around her shoulder and gives it a reassuring squeeze before kissing the top of her head.
“Don’t worry about it. Go relax. I’ll take care of everything.”
That’s supposed to be my line. I can already glimpse the magnitude of how I’ve fucked up, but it hasn’t quite penetrated the alcohol-fog enough to truly settle in yet.
Silas stays calm as the girls drift away, both of them watching me with careful, terse little faces.
“G’night,” Sky says, but I notice she doesn’t even look like she wants to hug me. Maddi doesn’t say anything at all.
“What happened?” Silas asks as soon as they’re gone.
“What do you mean?”
Sure, Cade. Play dumb. That’s worked so well for you all the other times.
“I mean, why are you shitfaced in the middle of the day? In front of your sisters. Right after you promised not to bottle shit up anymore.”
The words are supposed to be a question, but it all comes out flat. Period. No answer expected.
“I—” I swear I had an answer that was about to come out, but as soon as I open my mouth, I think about Jaden again, and this time it feels like a gut punch. The whiskey creeps up on me all at one, and before I know what’s happening my eyes are stinging and my throat aches. For one bright, terrifying second, I wonder if I’m about to truly fall apart.
I swallow hard and take a breath, and that’s the best I can do right now.
“Cade,” Silas says again, but this time it’s soft. Like a prayer.
He moves toward me and gathers me into his arms, and I let him. I go slack, allowing the man I love to hold me up, taking deep breaths of the smell of him and burying my face in his shoulder.
“I’m just so tired,” I try to say, but it comes out half-sobbed.
“Yeah, I’ll bet.”
