“Yes, but that’s not the point,” he says, resting the can on the counter before walking toward me. “It made me realize what I need to do. I think I need to actually start preparing to petition for custody of the girls.”
He must see the expression I make, because he immediately shushes me, holding me by the arm and making a placating expression at me like I’m missing something that makes this whole situation not fucked up.
“No, no, no,” he says. “It’s fine. I know Mom’s been doing better and we were hoping everything would turn out okay, but I think Dad showing up has made it clear that things aren’t okay. She’s kowtowing to him like the old days, sober or not. He’s lounging around like he’s Harvey fucking Weinstein sitting on a throne, dragging random sex workers after him and fuck what happens to the girls. They were both more than happy to ship Maddi and Sky off with us, as soon as something they thought was more interesting came up. It just makes it clear that they’ll never be safe with either of our parents. I finally have a stable job and a real house, I need to just pull the trigger and do it. Fuck them. Fuck their custody. A judge will see that, if I just put the work in. And then they’ll be here and I can know that they’re safe all the time.”
The earnestness on his face is fucking killing me. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen him get swept up in something, convinced that it’s going to be the answer to all our problems. But it’s normally something less insidious, like buying a blender or trying to buy those crates of unsold Amazon goods and then resell them on the internet. And it’s normally not that hard to distract him until he realizes it was a stupid idea.
This is a whole other level.
“Cade, would you really do that to your mom? I know she’s not perfect, but she does love them and she’s been trying so hard to do good this past year. We’re around all the time to make surethey don’t slip through the cracks. Your dad will get bored and move on soon. Taking them away from your mom and having a whole legal battle sounds expensive and really painful, for not a lot of gain. I think you need to take a breath.”
Cade’s expression falls. For a second, I think I’ve gotten through to him, but then he furrows his brow at me and takes a step back.
“You don’t get it. She could snap. He could snap at any minute. They’re all one bad trip from becoming a podcast episode about family annihilators. And every time you hear about one of those cases, you’re likeoh but there were so many warning signs, how did everyone ignore it?This is me not ignoring it. I’ve seen too much happen to too many kids. I’m not picking them up in a fucking ambulance because I was too lazy to do some paperwork.”
It’s been a tense, tense day. And somehow, this is the most on edge I’ve felt. There’s a thread of logic to what he’s saying, but it’s also so displaced from the reality of the situation—or at least such a tunnel-visioned way of looking at it—that I still can’t believe the words are coming out of his mouth.
“Are you asking me if I think we should do this or telling me that it’s happening?”
Cade frowns.
“Neither. I just… I thought you’d agree with me. It seems so obvious.”
“To you, maybe. I don’t think we should be adopting kids without talking about it first, and especially not when it might ruin your mother’s life. I don’t want to do this to Kris.”
She’s not technically my family, but I’ve been willing to take what I can get, and she really has been working hard on herself since I’ve been around. I don’t want to punish her for that.
Cade sighs, not looking angry exactly, but not happy with my response. As if I was going to automatically be thrilled to launch this whole operation with no thought to our future.
“Look, it’s a lot. I sprang this on you. I’ll do more research and I’ll make a plan. It’ll be great, I promise. But I won’t do anything drastic without talking to you first, okay?”
I still feel completely side-swiped, but that’s better than nothing, so I nod.
“Perfect. Love you,” Cade says, stepping in to kiss me fast and hard before turning back around to find his beer.
I’ll drop it for now, because this has been a day. But the thought of him getting fixated on this is going to keep me up at night, I can already tell.
Maybe Tristan can talk some sense into him. He’s better at that than I am.
Chapter Sixteen
“Isee your ugly ass every day at work. Why do we have to go on a field trip?”
Tristan doesn’t rise to the bait of my insult and keeps his eyes on the road, taking turn after turn until I have no idea where we could possibly be going.
“First of all, you haven’t been at work, because you’re convalescing. Apparently dumbassery qualifies for PTO, now. Second of all, I’m worried about you. I know you’re going crazy bouncing around that house by yourself while Silas is at work, and I thought I could take your mind off things for a while.”
I can’t stop the snort that slips out. Sure, take my mind off things. As if that’s possible. I seem to have two states right now—obsessing over the past/freaking out about the future, or completely shutting down. Neither of them is good, but I don’t see myself crawling out of that pendulum swing anytime soon.
“I’m fine,” I say with a sigh, and Tristan doesn’t call me on it, even though I can feel that he wants to. “If we have to go out anddo shit, couldn’t we just go to a bar like normal? I’m down to kick back and have a beer, you didn’t have to literally kidnap me.”
Tristan’s gaze flicks over to me briefly before returning to the road, and he doesn’t say anything. Which is fundamentally against his nature, and makes me feel a little nervous for the first time since getting in the car.
“What?” I ask when the silence gets too much for me to take.
“Oh well will you look at that, we’re here.”
I don’t miss the underlying tension in Tristan’s voice as he pulls off the road and into a large gravel lot. It’s a weekday afternoon, so it’s pretty empty, and we’re heading toward a huge ranch-style house, two levels and spread out, surrounded by more gravel lots, empty fields, and a small glittering lake off to one side. It’s late enough in the season that the trees are all bare, and the white house, light blue siding, and bare, flat scenery all create a cold, empty image. It feels like we’re much farther from home than a thirty-minute drive. It’s like we’re far from everything right now, with no one but the barren trees to watch us.
