Riley strokes my fingers, and the warmth of herhand grounds me, gives me the strength to continue. “When he talked like that about his son, about his family, I thought he was just tired. Our life was a circus twenty-four seven. That kind of pressure is hard. He brooded. He was distant. I tried talking to him. When I suggested he see a therapist, he didn’t talk to me for two weeks. Eventually, I gave up on pushing him. I was there when he needed, or so I thought. I didn’t talk to Ines about any of it because I was afraid it would hurt her if she knew the things Owen had said. I was afraid it would ruin their family.”
“You did what you thought was right,” Riley whispers, threading her fingers through mine. “You tried to help.”
“I tried to help…” My voice cracks. “I tried to pull him out of it, tried to get him to talk, but I should have done more. I kept telling myself I’d push harder next time I saw him. But the next time never came. I failed my friend, Ry.”
“Hayden…”
I swallow thickly, my chest tightening. “The night before it happened, Owen hugged me longer than usual when we got off stage. Told me I was the brother he never had, that I was the best uncle to Santi. I laughed, called him a sentimental idiot.” My throat burns. “The next day…I found him in his hotel room. There was nothing I could do to bring him back. He was gone. Forever.” Tears stream down my face, but I don’t pay them any attention. I let her see me: broken and full of regrets. “So, yeah. I’m guilty of not pushing hard enough when I knew he wasn’t okay. I should’ve stayed. I should’ve forced him to talk to me.”
The silence that shrouds us feels like a heavy weight on my soul. My chest rises and falls rapidly, my vision blurry. I expect her to pull back, to tell me I’m a selfish asshole who let his friend die. Instead, she watches me, eyes soft but intense.
Then, she shakes her head. “It’s not your fault,” she says quietly. “You can’t blame yourself for the choice Owen made. You were there for him. You cared. That means more than you think.”
My stomach twists painfully. “You don’t know that.”
“I do,” she whispers, lowering her gaze to her hands. “There was a time when I thought about it too. Ballet was…eating me alive. The constant competition, being told I wasn’t enough, the pressure to always perform, always smile, always be perfect—the weight, the looks. And there was…” She pauses, wringing her hands. “Someone who made it worse. A man who wanted something I wasn’t willing to give.”
My throat closes. I can’t breathe. “Ry…”
“I thought about ending it.” She swallows audibly. “I went so far as to write a note to Piper. But something inside me snapped, like a voice sayingnot today. And then, Nastya showed up at my apartment that night, completely unplanned, with a bottle of champagne and the news about her engagement. I took it as a sign I was supposed to stay.”
I can’t move. Everything hurts. Her words land like a blow I don’t know how to recover from.
“If I had gone through with it, would you have thought it was your fault too? Or maybe Piper’s? Or my parents’? Or Nastya’s? Would you have thought someone should have pushed me harder to open up?” She shakes her head, smiling sadly. “No one knew. I hid it from everyone. I was drowning in my problems, but I kept my suffering so quiet, no one even realized. I never asked for help. You’re the first person I’ve ever told. So no, Hayden, what happened to Owen is not your fault. You can’t keep holding that weight. It was never yours to carry.”
Her words go straight through me, an injection into my veins. I blink. My chest is so tight, like an invisible fist is clenching my heart.
I haul her into my lap, cradle her to my chest, and thread my fingers through her hair.
“I’m so glad you stayed. I’m so glad you’re here with me.” I nuzzle her neck, inhaling her scent and relishing the way it slides deep under my skin. “I’ll always be here for you, Ry. I promise. I will never fail you.”
“I know… I believe you.”
“And if-if it ever gets that bad again…please don’t go through it alone. I don’t want you to feel like you have to survive that by yourself. Please, Ry…”
“Okay,” she whispers, as I tighten my hold on her.
Thank God. I’ll do anything to keep my word.
31
my only love
RILEY
Things shiftedafter the conversation about Owen, after I confessed the truth about my own past. Hayden and I are still friends, still two people stuck together because of an accidental pregnancy, but the care and trust we have for each other grew deeper as we talked.
Pleasant shivers run down my spine as I remember how he held me. When he walked me to my bedroom and kissed me on the cheek, the butterflies in my stomach went wild. I was on cloud nine as I got ready for bed. I even fell asleep with a smile on my face.
I’m a lost cause.
I pad into the kitchen, still rubbing sleep from my eyes, and find Hayden already up, standing in front of the window with his back to me. His hair is damp, and there’s no T-shirt in sight, giving me the perfect view of his muscular back and tattoos.
At the sight of him, a memory from our first night together flashes in my head. We were chest to chest, me on his lap with my legs draped around his hips, his cock deep inside me. When I came, I dragged my nails up his back, leaving marks, I’m sure.
My cheeks heat, and hot energy swirls inside my lower abdomen.
God, I want him again.
